I could be wrong. What if I’m wrong? And worse, so much worse, what if they tell me I’m wrong?
I hear these words scream at me as I contemplate writing everything I feel in every moment. They are the words that stop my fingers from pounding out the keys on blog posts that I want to share, but am too afraid. Somewhere along the lines, I began to tell myself that I had to be right to write. I had to know my subject completely and it had to be free from error, even down to the punctuation. Those words I came to believe have stopped me from just telling the story- especially as it happens- for fear that in the future, or even in the present, someone is going to use my words against me. To prove that I was wrong. That I am wrong.
What happened to being wrong? When did it turn into something that was essential for development? When did I suppose that I needed to have the right answers even before the questions came? We all live life in the present. We all make mistakes. I make so many mistakes. I’ve made so many important decisions based on my “gut” emotion or faulty information. That’s life. That’s how we learn and grow. I hope I’m learning. I read what I wrote even a year ago and I roll my eyes at the idiocy. It’s easy to look back. It’s hard to know right now.
That being said, there are some of you who read this nonsense who are light years ahead of me in your development as a human. You roll your eyes at me and how little I understand. Which is so totally fine with me now. I’m learning. I’m not who I was even a year ago, and I don’t expect to be the same person in a year. That’s the magic of growing up. Life would be boring for me if I knew everything from the beginning. It’s the journey.
So I’m going to write what I’m feeling in the present and I assure you, I will be wrong. I might be right. Either way, I’m desperate to get back to why I started this blog in the beginning- to write. To get it out on paper what I’m going through. When nobody read what I wrote, I didn’t give a damn. I want to not give a damn again. Maybe that kind of writing will take me back to not having anyone read, but my bottom line won’t change. I’ll still be the girl who’s just trying to make sense of the complete and utter nonsense that is her life.
I’m going to write.