Peyton will do just about anything to stall his bedtime. That stalls mine and Lance’s together time (read: sit ‘together’ on the couch while we play on our phones ‘time’). So when he came in with something new, it really didn’t phase us any. “My armpit hurts when I stretch like this,” he said as he STREEETCHED his arm way back. Without either of us looking up, I said, “Well then don’t stretch your arm like that, dummy.” (The ‘dummy’ part was implied, but not stated directly.) We then sent him off to bed with a threat of what would happen if he got out of bed again.
The next morning, as I was sitting with Abby at the breakfast table, Peyton came in and said, “My armpit hurts when I stretch like THISSSSS” and stretched his arm way back, but not as far back as the night before. “Okay,” I grumbled as I pulled myself up, “it hurts HERE?” I said as I jabbed my finger into his armpit, hoping to tickle it. Peyton winced and then I did the same…
Big. Freaking. Lump.
That’s right kids, my son had a lymph node that had swollen to nearly four inches in size. I felt bad. A little. Not a lot though. Peyton comes up with some pretty crazy ailments. He once came in and said, “My head hurts when I bang it on the wall.” He’s also the kid that I have to promise that no gigantic men will come, stomp down our house and ‘enslave us forever’. He’s really got the most amazing imagination. It makes things so much more fun.
On our way out to the doctor, he asked me what was causing the lump. “I don’t want to scare you or nuthin’ but big armpit lumps are the first sign of zombism. Did you get bitten by a zombie? Are you sure? Sometimes you don’t feel it. Do you crave brains? Let me know if you have any SORT of crazy craving for human flesh.” He acted like he was entertaining the notion, but then blew me off, “Zombies aren’t real, dummy.”
His reply only led to escalation. At the doctors office I saw my chance to make things worse when the doctor came in. Peyton hadn’t gotten back from the bathroom yet so I quickly whispered, “Tell him lumps are the first sign of zombism…I mean…you know…if it’s not something scary like cancer or herpes.” She totally did! She also asked him just randomly in her questions if he’d done ‘hard time in prison.’ That doctor GETS ME.
We got assured that it’s probably just an infection, a scary amount of antibiotics I’ll forget to give him and got on our way. After we got home Peyton came running in to where I was sitting with his grandparents, who are here visiting for the week. “I know what it’s from!” he said. “I do A LOT of armpit farts on the way home from school. The bus driver HATES it.” And then he commenced doing a whole musical production of armpit farts with his one good armpit. Not even THAT lesson was learned from this.
He got super sick that night, but is fine now. The lump is half the size now. He’s still stalling before bedtime though. Tonight it was because he was afraid that a monarchy would take over. A monarchy.
11 thoughts on “His lovely lymphy lump.”
“Hard time in prison.” LOVE that doctor! Sorry Peyton has a sore armpit though. Should I pray?
Oh my God….I love the fact that he thought it was from the armpit farts. Classic. I am now laughing through my morning!
Diagnosis armpit farts. He’s give my Doctor a run for her money. Genius, just genius!
Love this Dr.!!!
And if you can’t do a rousing daily chorus of armpit farts without getting a swollen lymph node, then I don’t know WHAT this world is coming to.
You’re killin’ me smalls! Glad he’s not going to be a zombie (yet).
I love reading your stuff. And I would have said that very same thing to my child if he came in to delay bedtime…though I would have said dummy. (I call my precious boy dummy whenever the questions are rhetorical.)
Also love your doctor. She really does get you!
What a wonderful boy! I’m sorry his armpit orchestrations have caused him a problem but hopefully he’s on the mend and will soon be able to resume two armpit farting. LOL I love his imagination. And his vocabulary! Great kid. Just great.
My 7 yr old daughter gets insanely swollen nodes whenever she has the slightest infection, it freaks me out every time. She recently got scratched on her chest by the cat and all the lymph nodes in her neck reacted, it looked like a very lumpy necklace, ugh. She’s the same kid who got out of bed last night to tell me that she couldn’t sleep because she kept thinking about Frank. I said, “what about Frank?” She said, “he died, I’m pretty sure someone killed him”. Frank was a fly. She caught him in a napkin and kept him there all day. Kids are weird.
I need your doctor for my kids! I love that she gave him a hard time. Glad the lump is feeling better. Once my daughter got out of bed to tell me she needed a tissue and I didn’t look at her and sent her to the bathroom. After yelling many times to go back to bed I finally went into the bathroom and discovered blood pouring from her nose. Oops. I felt a little guilty about it at the time too. But probably not guilty enough.
My friend directed me here b/c My daughter woke up with a huge lump and I was freaking out! So when you say your son got “super sick” that night…what was it? Cold-like flu? I need to prepare for what’s to come! 😦
Did you get on some antibiotics? Swollen lymph nodes are very common in children. Some even stick around for a while. See the pediatrician. It’s been ten days for Peyton, and his is mostly gone. Don’t worry too much.