Using the etiology of autism to piss off your friends and prove a point.

Autism increase graph


How many times have you wanted to place blame on someone for something they actually had no control over? I have. I’ve wanted to set fires for that very reason. I’ve found a MUCH easier way to do it though that doesn’t result in a felony arson conviction: SCIENCE*!

That’s right kids, you can use SCIENCE to blame people for stuff. Like their kids’ autism. Up until now, people have only passively suggested that I caused my son’s autism by not breastfeeding or having my children too close together. Now, through the magic of correlation, you can blame people DIRECTLY. It is both easy and fun. All you have to do is find anything that there has been a sharp rise in over the last thirty years, and then make a graph to match the one above.  Preferably use something that will be both insulting and insane.

If you’re too busy to make up your own, I’ve made a few for you.

Gay Marriage

States Allowing Gay Marriage Graph

Your grandmother is right. The gays are going to be the downfall of society.  Their unions are not only tearing apart your marriage, but they’re also causing autism. I mean, LOOK AT THE LINES, man!

Cellphone use:

Worldwide cellphone usage graph. Causes autism

HOLD THE PHONE. Or, more appropriately. Don’t. Don’t hold your phone. Because it causes autism. The more cell phones out there the more autism. Your stupid cell phone causes autism. Throw it in a lake.

Organic Food

Autism is caused by organic food

Sure, eating organic makes you feel morally superior to those that don’t, but did you know that your need for pesticide-free foods caused my son to get autism? How dare you? It’s the pesticides that have been keeping us neurotypical all this time!

(Graph used with permission by the generous Dr. Jeffry Ricker, who is by all accounts a badass psychology professor, link in image)

Internet Usage:

internet use

Hate Al Gore? Well, he invented the internet, and since the inception of the internet, cases of autism have risen in kind. Thus, the internet causes autism. Al Gore invented the internet. Al Gore causes autism.

how to cause autism
you can pin this. you really can.

And for those of you who did not know: Jenny McCarthy Causes Autism.

Now you try! It doesn’t even have to be autism related.  Correlation is FUN!

*The author of this blog fully understands that correlation does not equal causation, but she is not sure that other people do. Consequently, her facebook page is RIPE with people who can’t wait to tell her the latest scientific proof that she caused her child’s autism.  This blog post is dedicated to them.

Special thanks to Amanda from Confessions From Household Six for contributing her wit to this post.

38 thoughts on “Using the etiology of autism to piss off your friends and prove a point.

  1. Oh I thought I could hold it together, sitting at my desk doing the shaky wheezy quiet laugh and then I got to Jenny McCarthy Causes Autism. And now I am laughing out loud because I hate Jenny McCarthy with the flames of a thousand suns. Thank goodness the office is relatively empty.

    1. I, too, detest Jenny McCarthy. I believe she has caused the majority of the stupidity surrounding suggestions of a cure for autism.

  2. Awesome Lexi! I’ve already heard about the obesity one (which makes me feel absolutely wonderful, I’ll tell you). I’m sure having multiples (twins, but even more so with higher order) also “cause autism too.” Maybe it’s the rise of social media itself? Twitter & FB – it’s all their fault.

    Thanks so much for the smile 🙂

    1. I have honestly never thought that the disappearance of pirates could cause autism.

      I don’t think science has thought of this either.

      You should write a grant proposal to research this. I’d have to come search the Caribbean for pirates with you. We’d need at least a million dollars.

  3. Really, your lack of breastfeeding caused autism? See, my mother in law blames my breastfeeding for my sons autism. She didn’t breastfeed her children AND THEY ARE ALL FINE. The fact that she rocked and toe-walked through childhood and has piss pour social skills HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Her daughter’s ADHD and thyroid disease? Not related. NO SIREEE. No autistic traits in HER DNA. Just the breastfeeding. IT’S SCIENCE. Or a personality disorder. Not sure.

    1. Ooooh Christine, I see red when breastfeeding enters the debate at all. Either way. It’s bullcrap.

      Yes. “someone” told me that the toxins in formula probably caused Casey’s autism. You know, because there’s a correlating rise in people formula feeding, right? Uhm, no. It’s decreased.

      Crap. I’ve stopped being satirical. I can’t EVER STAY IN CHARACTER!

  4. Well of course I caused my children’s autism. I didn’t breastfeed, I wouldn’t let them sleep in my bed and I let them eat fast food. But at least now when they call us “Refrigerator Mothers” it is because we are *shaped* like a refrigerator!

    1. Well, I breastfed my son for two years, ate nutritiously, and he slept in my bed, yet he also has autism.

  5. I used to be a democrat, but now that I know about Al Gore’s role in the rise of autism (not to mention all those organic food eating liberals), I need to rethink everything. Everything.

  6. Lexi…I believe correlation (and causation) is really math. Not science. Not sure if it matters, cause these graphs are pure genius!

  7. Oh crap! Well that doesn’t make sense… If you caused your kiddo’s Autism by not breastfeeding and my breastfed kiddo does have Autism, how did mine get his!?

    Oh wait, it was eating the salad under the tree on the 3rd moon of the 8th month in the presence of a hungry bunny and a sneaky cat….

    LOVE this post.

  8. When I was in Nursing School, back in 2007-09, my instructor (who has a Master’s degree & is a certified Nurse Midwife) said that the “latest” study was showing the male’s AGE was a common factor in Autism.

    There are 5 biological kids in my family, 1 with Tourettes, 3 out of 5 had alcohol/drug dependency, and then me (the RN) and my brother (the Dr). We were all breastfed, slept in bed with my mom, and had the same set of parents.

    My nieces & nephews of my brother with Tourettes (and Hx of drug/alcohol use) are better behaved then my kids :o)

    Guess I should have done more drugs!

  9. Loved this!! My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD first and then all manner of things after that. Alphabet soup, we call it. And yes, it has been suggested, by my in-laws and an actual counselor, that maybe we somehow contributed to her autism by not having another child or by spoiling her (which seems nearly impossible for the amount of times the poor girl hears “no” in a day.) Really. Now we live in a community with 100 other kids. Socializing hasn’t been the cure. Who knew?

    1. Yup. We’ve got that, too. It doesn’t matter that my husband and I both have ADHD, it’s not breastfeeding that caused my oldest son’s ADHD.

      But not a single person has ever said that I caused my daughter’s Down syndrome through bad parenting…

  10. My son’s autism was caused by old sperm and fat, decrepit eggs. Oh, and I hate puppies – I’m sure that’s the cause.

    And I think I fed him too many hot dogs – surely, those nitrites are to blame.

    Or maybe it was the BPA in the Playtex bottle bags…or maybe it was the fact that there was a 17-year gap between him and his older sister (my womb was manufacturing evil during that gap).

  11. As usual Lexi you make me laugh. I’m actually reading the best book on autism right now that I’ve ever read. (and I’ve read plenty…) It’s called ‘The Autistic Brain; Thinking across the spectrum’ written by Temple Grandin. So far it’s ALL science based what we DO know about the ’causes’ of autism. It’s not conjecture or theory. I’m going to try and review it on my blog when I’m done. Let ya know how it comes out.

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