Other bloggers aren’t your friends. They are competition. Never read their posts and especially never ever comment on them. They are the pigs of this blogging farm- don’t get too attached. You don’t want to actually feel something when you slaughter them in one of your posts. And you will…keep reading.
Transcend your niche. Don’t just write about things you actually know about. Make wild assumptions about things that have nothing to do with you. Judge people harshly when they dare to point out that you might not be a reliable source of information in that area.
Assume that you’re going to be HUGE immediately. When you’re not, be pissed as hell. Take that rage out on bloggers who have spent years writing, networking, and contributing to your own blogging community. Call them names.
Sanctimony goes a LONG way. It’s a dish best served with a huge helping of passive aggression. For instance, instead of simply writing what you do and the results you got from whatever method, make sure that you add something to the effect of, “I’m not saying all mama’s should feed their kids only organic, just the ones that want kids to be healthy.”
Make your blog virtually unreadable. The easiest way is to use a font that is tiny, scrolly, and preferably bright purple or yellow. Less obvious, but almost equally annoying is to use a white font on a black background.
Never ever proofread. Give the grammar nazis something to bitch about. Interchange the homophones. Use apostrophe’s to make thing’s plural.
Not getting enough attention? Pick out a blogger to go after that you want to hate. Write posts about them. Twist their words into something that they CLEARLY are not. It works great for a temporary boost in stats, and if you keep doing it enough, NO ONE will come back to your miserable blog!
Rip off other blogger’s biggest posts and then spin them in a way that makes you look SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEM. For example, if the post that speaks honestly about something they’ve struggled with, write a parody post that talks about why you’re so much better because you don’t struggle with that same thing. Like I said, sanctimony goes a long way.
Do whatever you have to to make yourself appear bigger than you really are. Like when you’re fighting a bear, but also not like it at all. Buy likes for your blog’s Facebook page. It’s super easy to tell who does that, so it won’t be long until someone notices your bullshit and inevitably thinks less of you as a blogger and probably as a human.
If all else fails and your blog survives these tips, just rant a lot about religion and politics. Be as condescending and pious as possible.