- Other bloggers aren’t your friends. They are competition. Never read their posts and especially never ever comment on them. They are the pigs of this blogging farm- don’t get too attached. You don’t want to actually feel something when you slaughter them in one of your posts. And you will…keep reading.
- Transcend your niche. Don’t just write about things you actually know about. Make wild assumptions about things that have nothing to do with you. Judge people harshly when they dare to point out that you might not be a reliable source of information in that area.
- Assume that you’re going to be HUGE immediately. When you’re not, be pissed as hell. Take that rage out on bloggers who have spent years writing, networking, and contributing to your own blogging community. Call them names.
- Sanctimony goes a LONG way. It’s a dish best served with a huge helping of passive aggression. For instance, instead of simply writing what you do and the results you got from whatever method, make sure that you add something to the effect of, “I’m not saying all mama’s should feed their kids only organic, just the ones that want kids to be healthy.”
- Make your blog virtually unreadable. The easiest way is to use a font that is tiny, scrolly, and preferably bright purple or yellow. Less obvious, but almost equally annoying is to use a white font on a black background.
- Never ever proofread. Give the grammar nazis something to bitch about. Interchange the homophones. Use apostrophe’s to make thing’s plural.
- Not getting enough attention? Pick out a blogger to go after that you want to hate. Write posts about them. Twist their words into something that they CLEARLY are not. It works great for a temporary boost in stats, and if you keep doing it enough, NO ONE will come back to your miserable blog!
- Rip off other blogger’s biggest posts and then spin them in a way that makes you look SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEM. For example, if the post that speaks honestly about something they’ve struggled with, write a parody post that talks about why you’re so much better because you don’t struggle with that same thing. Like I said, sanctimony goes a long way.
- Do whatever you have to to make yourself appear bigger than you really are. Like when you’re fighting a bear, but also not like it at all. Buy likes for your blog’s Facebook page. It’s super easy to tell who does that, so it won’t be long until someone notices your bullshit and inevitably thinks less of you as a blogger and probably as a human.
- If all else fails and your blog survives these tips, just rant a lot about religion and politics. Be as condescending and pious as possible.
Lexi Mag 
I’ve been doing this all wrong. Thank you for setting me on the correct path. Now I’m off to do all of the thing’s (incorporating tip #6 because I like to get started on these things right away so I can be super-famous) to all of the people’s.
Uhm, you’re still doing it wrong, Tara. You shouldn’t have even commented here.
You’re becoming attached to me. YOU LOVE ME!
Dammitttttt!!!! And here I thought I was being all sneaky about it. Back to drawing board…
Gahahahahaha!!!!! I love it. I think I’ve seen every one of those tactics done before. I think I’ll go copy your ‘I’m Jealous of You’ post. Wait, that’s already been done too, dang!
I like to write things like “I’m not going to mention any names because I don’t want to call attention to the author, but….”
Yes, when you don’t mention their name, do you also hyperlink “name” to their blog? because that’s super great.
Big thanks from a semi-virgin blogger. Wait, did I just break the first rule?
Yes. Try again.
You are awesome. (I feel you should have some sort of altar call at the end of this- If you feel convicted, raise your hand…)
I should TOTALLY have a virtual altar to sacrifice people over. That’s an amazing idea.
Yay! I have a how to guide. So can I start a war with you? I’m always looking for a good mommy war. Oh and I think I will also steal this post make it all my own but I must go one step further and steal your pictures too. Oh and then i must inform everyone how not everyone should do these things but if you want to be a evil blogger like me you should. Bahahahaha thanks for helping me on my quest to become a evil blogger. So how many of the ten did I manage to t in one reply.
Oh crap I should have left this reply anonomasly.
good catch there.
I’m not sure you gave sanctimony a fair chance.
I really tried.
My brain’s not working, but pretend I said something clever.
All we are saying, is give paragraphs a chance. That, and a ban on “align center”.
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
This all seems like some sort of elaborate inside joke…IS THIS ABOUT ME???
well, shit. what are YOU doing here?
I was going to post a response but I couldn’t make it snarky enough. I guess I’ll have to go against #1 and say “I really like your blog.” Huh, now what to make of that?!?!?
I hate you! (I secretly love you). I know so much more about everything than you do. You suck! (Hold me!)
I’d cuddle the hell out of you.
Ha ha ha! (And have you seen my related list, Top Ten Rules for Mommy Bloggers? 😉 http://oaxacaborn.com/2013/02/13/top-ten-rules-for-mommy-bloggers/
ahahahahahahahhaha. I thought at first you were serious and I gagged a little. It was perfection, Gina.
Muahahaha! You know, I’ve noticed people repinning that image to actual “Rules for Mommy Bloggers” Pinterest boards. Clearly they’ve not clicked through and read it.
P.S. I gag a little too every time I type “Mommy Blogger”.
P.P.S. I keep laughing at “Use apostrophe’s to make thing’s plural.” LOL!
You are an evil genius. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
I’m something…
Damn, you are my hero. I lived in the land of Real Horsewives when my kids were younger. (not a typo…look at their stretched faces) They became bored of berating the other local mothers, so they had their daddies…I mean husbands..buy them brand new laptops so they could take their judging worldwide. Either that or they started tutu making businesses.
Wait, is this about me? You have a crush on me, don’t you, Lexi?
;P
Haters gunna hate. I be doin’ all this things and my blog ROX. You Just jealous cuz uthu people got blogs that’s betta than you’s an thay don like you n post crap bout u wen you say somin thay don agree wit.
Totally kidding by the way. You know you’re my favorite. I have your picture on my wall.
Loved this post! While most have been surprisingly supportive and kind in the blogosphere, I have seen my fair share of snarky! I don’t get it!
How did I miss this yesterday!?!? I like to make up punctuation… and then defend it as colloquial. This was a lot of fun.
Funny Little Synchronicity.
One read this and imagined one unintentionally doing some of these things, by word instead of intention.
Anyway, the same synchronicity reminded one of another time and another comment one made.
hidden ‘anonymously’ here:
http://katiemiaaghogday.blogspot.com/2013/06/visiting-garden-of-band-aid.html
Full Disclosure:
In this context one is me
except for the last one
above that
is you.
I apologize.
Human Algorithms
Can be complicated’ed. :)!
*
Haha! 🙂
Funny post! Think it would work better without all the capitalization. Nice as a whole. 🙂