I turn 31 tomorrow. I’m not the kind of person that will ever say I’m 29 over and over and over again, even to be cheeky. I’ve earned these years, this last one especially. I found myself in a myriad of places I never thought I would be this year…
I found myself, a straight, married, Mormon mother of four walking in a gay pride parade.
I found myself pounding down the doors of my congressmen in Washington DC begging them to enact legislation that would keep our children safe.
I found myself under the warm Bahamian water, alive and free as I swam with the fish.
I found myself packing up our truck not for our soggy Washington home, but to go to Rhode Island for a new adventure.
I found myself hunkered down with my family, laughing, singing and playing games by the light of candles as a hurricane raged around us.
I found myself on the outside of a church I had once loved. Scared and sad that it no longer made sense to me.
I found myself buried under piles of paperwork for services for my children. Wars waged on paper.
I found myself surrounded by people who love me for who I am, for what I do, for what I write. People who have been there for me when I was broken, scared, happy or sad. People who might violently disagree with me, but who love me still the same.
I found myself cold, broken, alone. Fighting a depression that wanted to win. An anxiety that worked to suck any joy from my existence.
I found myself more in love with my husband than I ever thought I could be.
I found myself scared as hell that I might have to tell my autistic son that I had cancer, and grateful beyond measure when I didn’t have to.
I found myself laughing. And then laughing some more.
I found myself saying goodbye to Abby as they put her in yet another ambulance. I found myself, soul completely rung out, after four hours spent in the ER trauma room as nurses and doctors worked to get her breathing to slow. I found myself exhausted, sad but grateful as I held her in her in her intensive care unit bed as I watched the events at Sandy Hook Elementary unfold.
I found myself without words as autism was linked to such evil, then I found myself combating that notion through Autism Shines.
I’ve found myself at too many specialist appointments with Abby.
I found myself crying into the shoulder of an unknown nurse after I left Abby in an operating room, then crying into my husband’s shoulder when we learned her hearing loss was permanent and that the anatomical abnormalities in her airways would only lend themselves to further respiratory problems and hospital stays.
I found myself in the capital building surrounded by hate. Where fingers were pointed and people taunted based only on their orientation. I left that place and then spent the rest of the night with the judged, the outcast, the amazing. People who only want to love and be loved in return. I found myself in awe at their patience, the loving attitude, their kindness.
I found myself onstage, reading an essay I wrote that was the most honest thing I’ve ever written.
I found myself marveling at my son as he fully embraced his autism.
I found myself the mother of four growing children that I could not be more proud of. Who teach me more everyday about myself than I could have ever learned without them.
I found myself at thirty. And to be honest and only a lot narcissistic, I like what I found. This year has been even harder than the one before it, but I am grateful. I found my spine this year. My passion. My voice. My bliss.
Here’s to another year just like it (meh, let’s be honest, I could do with less hardships and more time spent in the Bahamas…).
24 thoughts on “Thirty.”
Good post, we’ve all to deal with it and see positive sites of our ageing 🙂
To more time in the Bahamas! All kidding aside, it sounds like you had an incredible year. Even with the pain, it looks like there were some pretty incredible high points too.
Here’s to the next adventure for 31. So grateful that this year brought you here. I will miss you.
*whispers* Psst, I’ll tell you a secret: It keeps getting better. Different and not always easier, but better. Because you’ve found your core and will draw upon it. Happy birthday, Lexi. Happy, happy birthday.
Just wait..it only gets better. I truly have found so much inspiration through your words..your heart…and your family to keep going on even when life really makes you want to just stop. I hope you hear my heart in this. I hope you have a truly wonderful birthday tomorrow. ((((HUGS))))
I found myself mesmerized by your words, your strength, your power, your passion, your loss, your found, your 30. You’re gonna tell 31 who’s boss. Happy, Happy Birthday!
Beautiful!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY Lexi ~ Enjoy & keep kicking ass!!
Beautifully written, once again you have brought me to tears. Thanks so much for sharing, you are truly an inspiration. Happy Birthday!!!!!
Happy, happy, happy birthday Lexi! I’m so happy that this year, I found you & your blog. I’m turning 15 years older than you this year, but you may have me beat on the wisdom score. Hope you have a fantastic day (oh heck, make it a week or more) with everyone celebrating YOU!
Awesome, Lexi! You really amaze me. You are very wise beyond your mere 30 years. I think I didn’t have some of these revelations till my 40’s. I cried with you when I read about your trauma in the ER, OR and ICU. Such scary places. Your family and all that know you are blessed. Happy Birthday!!! I agree, more BAHAMAS less trauma.
Have a wonderful birthday – you deserve it.
Great blog – always inspirational.
Chills. What a year you’ve endured. And what a strong, inspiring woman you are. Have an amazing birthday tomorrow, and may 31 be a fabulous year for you.
Happy Birthday Lexi. I love how you embrace your struggles as well as your joy. Have a wonderfully less complicated year this year to come. After you move of course….and get appropriate services for your kiddos…..and….ok…i’ll stop now. 😉
You just found your spine THIS year? Well, you’re handling it like you found it long ago and put it to practiced use. Happy Birthday tomorrow, Lexi.
Beautiful. Happy birthday, Lexi.
Happy Birthday! My birthday is in just a couple of weeks… and I am thirteen years older than you. You’ve done a lot for a young ‘un!
Cheers to another wonderful year. More laughter than tears.
Happy Birthday! You can add “inspired countless people” to your list. I’m one of them.
Happy Early Birthday!
I find you amazing.
Beautiful post, as always. You are a fighter, lover and champion. Thank you for all you do.
Such a beautiful post! You have earned your 31! Hope you have a fabulous birthday!
You rock! Happy birthday and may the next year be a great one!
Happy Happy Birthday. I love your blog and read it as often as you post a new blog article. I myself saw 31, 3 years ago and am now just starting the Autism journey with my 6 year old son. I hope your day is fantablous ( yes I like to make up words).
Finally read this – it was posted on one of those days where I could not keep up with my FB feed & didnt get back to it.
I think you’re pretty amazing – and only 31! You’re younger than me! Not by much, but I always feel like I’m younger than everyone whose blog I read, like I’ve got so far to go to find myself that together and so witty and well spoken.
You’ve had one helluva year – I hope this coming year is way more good stuff – even more than the awesome good stuff you had this year.