Every day I eat a Dole Light Caesar salad bag. The whole bag. They are delicious and low in calories and I can’t find the same great tasting dressing in anything than the tiny packs within the complete salad bag. Also, it has the tiny croutons, which are superior to big croutons. I’m trying to lose weight, so I’ve been substituting my regular lunch of hot pockets and pop tarts for salad. This salad makes me the least sad of all of the salads.
This isn’t a sponsored post. After the last sponsored post I wrote, it’s safe to say I will probably not being doing those anymore. But, Dole, hi, if you’re feeling like sending me fat cash, I won’t tell you ‘no’. Also, go ahead and stop reading now, you love me. Send me stuff.
Today I was doing my normal routine: watching Anderson Cooper 360 from last night (he’s the silver fox) while playing internet Spades (by ‘playing’ I mean mercilessly harassing a dude that was angry at me because my nil got set. I kept calling him ‘1800’ because that was his ranking. My ranking is 118. Out of 14,000. See how I just casually threw that in? I do it in everyday conversation as well.) and eating my salad. I don’t pay much attention to the salad as I eat it. Fortunately today, I wasn’t just shoving it straight into my mouth without looking nd noticed a gigantic bug in the bottom of my salad. It was the SAME DAMN COLOR OF THE ROMAINE. It was the size of a small child and hissed at me. Okay. It was the size of a dime and dead, but still, with the jeebs I’m still feeling, it might as well have been.
So I called Dole. They were experiencing high call volume. Probably because of all the bug salads. While I was waiting to talk to a representative, I asked Lance how I could make the conversation hilarious. He answered, “Uh, humor is a given in this situation. Also, I’m pretty sure the bug just winked at me.” After 16 minutes of being thoroughly indoctrinated by the recording (Did you know Dole onions are good for your colon?), I talked to Becky (I named her that. I couldn’t remember her name, but she seemed like a ‘Becky’. Very perky. Didn’t mind that I called her Becky.), the conversation went something like this:
Becky: “Thank y’all for calllin’ Dole today, sweetheart, what can I do for you today?”
Me: “Becky, hi, I just ate a bug salad and now I’m going to be fat forever!”
Becky: “I’m not sure I gave you my…”
Me: “Becky. The bug was huge. HUGE. I can’t trust salads anymore! Salads! What has this world come to?!
Becky: “I’m terribly sorry to hear about your bug salad, but we at Dole want you to know that you can trust salads. The world is still a good place. We want to make it up to you…”
Me: “That’s what they all say! TRUST ME! The trust has been broken and now I’m going back to my Hot Pocket Pop Tart lifestyle. I’m going to get diabetes! Like Wilford Brimley and me and that dude already have a history.”
Becky: “This is very rare. Rest assured that had you actually ate the bug, it was thoroughly washed and triple sanitized. It would not have hurt you.”
Me: “I’m already hurt, Becky, to my CORE! It wasn’t just the bug. It’s what the bug SYMBOLIZES!”
Becky: “I’m not sure what we’re talking about here…are you… are you going to be okay? Do you need me to call someone for you?”
Me: “I’m going to be fat forever. I tried switching from my all-processed diet and this is what I get. Bugs. Lesson learned, Becky. LESSON LEARNED!”
The conversation went on like this for quite some time. We reached an impasse. She promised to replace my bug salad with another potential delicious bug salad and I countered with an all expense paid trip to the Dole Plantation in Hawaii. She doubled the amount of coupons I will get and the manager said that if I stopped sobbing, he wouldn’t tell anyone about the “bizarre threats” and “weird foot thing” I had let slip during the tense holdout.
So, total win.
The people at Dole are good, I like them. They don’t know too much about me. They would never use that information to bring a shame on my family. Also, coupons!
And their products are fantastic for preventing colorectal cancer.
They mentioned that A LOT.