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Depressing.

I’m working on writing a book. Sort of. I’m not sure the direction I’m going to take exactly, right now, I’m just putting our story down in bits and snippets. I went back to the day that Casey was diagnosed on our old Price Family website, and I had said nothing. I went two months prior and two months after. I wrote NOTHING about Casey’s autism until I had thanked my sister, Melanie, for sending me a book about autism.

Same thing happened for a YEAR after my dad died. Outside my own family, I did not speak of it at all. I didn’t talk about my dad to my friends, I sucked it in and dealt with it on my own.  I dealt with it poorly.

I’ve always worried about being depressing. I always worried that if I said how hard things really were, people wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t read, wouldn’t care. That I’d be seen too much of a kill-joy and I’ve always wanted to be fun. Even on this blog, it wasn’t until I had postpartum depression and finally wrote about it that I started to REALLY say the things that I was really thinking, and really going through.  And since, I’ve let out the good, the bad, and some of the ugly through this blog. And you’ve listened. You were here to support me. There are a couple of you who have been here from the beginning (Hi Gail!), before anyone started reading me. You’ve probably seen a bit of an evolution. A lot of the fluffy is gone. This blog has gone from a modge podge of crafts, family, nonsense and special needs to mostly special needs.

It’s not just because I’ve given in to writing about the hard stuff. It’s because I’ve been writing more, too. I’ve been giving you snippets of my life and what I’m doing, and when my blog goes on these downswings, it’s because my life has been rough. All of the fluffy for the past few months has left my life. I haven’t had time for crafts, for shenanigans.  My life HAS BEEN special needs.  It’s been rough. Abby was hospitalized in December, and since we’ve had to pretty much keep her quarantined. We don’t get out much. Casey’s gone through a rough patch (he goes through cycles) where his meds didn’t seem to be working, and his emotions have been … unstable… Especially at night. We’ve been going through hours and hours of screaming and crying and not knowing what in the world we could do to make it better. Bronchitis is working it’s way through our family, too. Casey was home all week last week, then we had snow days Monday and Tuesday, and then Carter came down with it, too.

I want to write a blog full of posts that are uplifting and happy. Or even if they spoke about rough times, had some sort of resolution tied up in a bow at the end. But you know what? That’s not me. This blog is my therapy. Writing it out helps me to sort it out. Saying it’s hard doesn’t discount how blessed know I am. If I’m depressing you, I’m sorry. As much as I want this to be about my readers, it’s not. This blog is about me.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for taking part in my therapy in your comments and emails. It helps me so much more than you even know. Thank you for listening and sticking around even when I haven’t been as entertaining and funny as I used to be. Thank you for being my friends.  Every night when I shut my laptop I pretend that there’s a crowd of people screaming, “No! Don’t! AHHHHHHHH!” . My friends…they’re in my computer.

……………….

I found a quote and made it into a meme, because that’s what the cool kids do, right? It might seem a little morbid, but sometimes it feels like the best stuff I write comes in times where things are hard:

Ernest-Hemingway

 

13 thoughts on “Depressing.

  1. You know, we can’t always be happy and upbeat, life doesn’t work that way. I wish it would but it doesn’t. You show a side of yourself here that is warm, kind, caring and human. We all could take a lesson in that.

    xxoo

  2. I like to read about the good the bad and the ugly. It makes me feel better that we’re not alone in this. But that sounds wrong because it sounds like I am delighting in your pain, which I definitely am not. I think what I mean is that this really is supposed to be hard…it’s not that I am doing something royally wrong. When people don’t show their “life is crap” side it makes me feel like they have it all together and I just missed the day they taught us to live perfect lives. I’m sorry you are going through a rough patch, but happy to support you by reading. And by wearing sweatpants. xo

  3. Writing your experiences isn’t depressing. In fact, I find it depressing when my own son is screaming and fighting us every night and I feel all alone with this. When I read someone else’s story, even a tough story, I am less depressed. So yes, please share the good and the cute and the progress, but share everything else too if it helps you. I know it helps me.

    Can’t wait to read the book 🙂

  4. Wow! We are on the same wave length. I just wrote today reflecting on the post that turned my blog into funny antecdotes to a complete dumping of all of my grief, pain and confusion. I look back at some of my earlier “stuff” and it sounds funny, because I can read all of what I was not saying. It was months before I mentioned that Johnny had autism and only mentioned Madeline in passing, so crazy”!

    I feel you on this, I really do. You have to be true to your heart and things aren’t always happy go lucky. Things are really hard, on a daily basis. I think your raw honesty is refreshing. I do think your funny! Very funny! I to believe my computer and blog is therapy.

    Keep well my friend, and keep telling it like it is!

  5. That quote at the end is in my opinion powerful. I haven’t been able to get to that point yet but silly as it sounds I want to. I want to bleed all over the paper but I can’t seem to get my emotions down on paper. Maybe I am ment to get them out another way. I admire that you can bleed so much on the paper that I feel you do some for me. You say some of the things that are in my heart but am unable to get out. In reading your words I feel they are sometimes mine aswell. Thank you for that. You are great. Keep up with the honest heartfelt writing because it also benefits me. Helps me relieve that tention inside.

  6. my blog has been hugely theraputic and really helpede come to terms with my kids autism. ive always been brutally honest about how that diagnosis made me feel and the impact its had on our life..couldnt be any different now! autismandlove.com x

  7. I so hear you lady – about not wanting to drive people away with the hard stuff, but still having a need to get the hard stuff out. Keep writing, Lexi – whatever is in your heart.

    Love that Hemingway quote.

  8. If you write a book, I want to read it — every depressing detail — because there’s an air of triumph to your blog. And when you triumph, it gives me hope that I can triumph too.

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