I have four disgusting children. They make quick work of destroying my house. Their favorite? Popcorn and goldfish crackers crushed into every surface.
I spend more time using my vacuum a week than I do my hairdryer. If you follow me on Instagram, you can see that the chord or the vacuum is in almost every damn shot because I never unplug the thing. There’s no point. I use it several times a day- every single day.
Given the time we spend with our vacuum, we decided that your basic run of the mill Hoover no longer cut it. We needed capacity. We needed it to SUCK HARD. I needed an ally in my war against Filth. And not just any ally- the best money could buy.
Okay, second best. Because I didn’t want to risk an assault charge on a Kirby Salesman who refused to leave my house, we went with the Dyson.
Lance brought it home, unwrapped it and we all stood around and marveled at its beauty, much like the family on A Christmas Story did with the fragile leg lamp. I wanted to put it up in the window so that the neighbors could admire it from the street, but Lance refuses to let me have joy, so we set out to simply vacuum our carpet.
Fifteen seconds in, it clogged up. ANOMALY! This can’t be right. It was only goldfish crackers, most had already been crushed into the carpet. Again, we get going, and swthoop. Clogged again. Must be user error. I read the entire manual. Called for support.
And yet it went on like this. We have a 15×15 square of carpet that I can’t vacuum the entire thing without it getting clogged. The hose attachment is only a little bit wider than my airway, and I have no problem sucking down unchewed goldfish crackers. And yet, it clogs up EVERY TIME.
I just spent thirty minutes trying to vacuum my car. The sucker wouldn’t last fifteen seconds before it would shut the sucking mechanism off. I laughed, I cried, I swore so loudly that the birds sitting out in the tree flew off for a more wholesome area to perch.
I called support again about ten minutes before I started writing this. I’m still on hold.
If you want the experience of owning a Dyson, do this: buy a regular vacuum and suck a sock up in it so that even though it still sucks, only the tiniest of dirt particles make it through. Buy stop watch, every fifteen seconds, stop the vacuum, turn it over, empty it’s contents, cry, then repeat until your carpet is clean.
Continue to do this for MONTHS because you want to believe that you didn’t waste $400 on an expert designed piece of crap Dyson that wasn’t built for people who have to vacuum such things as crackers. Then, make a new year’s resolution to not have abusive relationships with people or things, and take that sucker back.