Me: Is that a challenge?!
Lance: why do you do that? Turn everything into a challenge?
Me: Are you threatening me?
Lance: hmph.
Yeah suckas! 2,000 lights and one tree that will probably burn this place down in a week because I’ve forgotten to water it.
So then I went outside to admire my work from the front yard and noticed that a bush I had covered with white lights was competing with my tree in the window. So I yanked out all of the lights. At 10 o’clock at night. I still felt like that damn bush was competing, so I went into the garage to find some garden sheers or a chainsaw
(true story, the place we were renting back in Virginia had a chainsaw that I rendered useless by sawing through the extension chord. I tried to tell Lance that it was a design flaw and not user error, because why in the world would you want to be attached to a chord if you’re chainsawing something? I’m telling you, it’s WAY less scary to chase someone with a CORDED chainsaw than a gas powered. It doesn’t matter as much with an edger, mostly because it’s just ALL unexpected when someone comes running at you with an edger. Chainsaws are really quite cliche)
There wasn’t anything to cut the bush down with, but I got distracted super quick when I couldn’t reach something on a shelf. If only I was TWO inches taller. Then I started thinking about who is two inches taller than me. Then I thought about the people who are shorter (and thus, less scary). My brother is two inches taller, I thought, so I sent him a text asking him how tall he was. This of course led me to send him a picture of a doll attacking Peyton in his sleep.
I’m getting new ADHD meds today. Life is going to get less amazing.
But probably more clean.
At least I hope. I have yet to do anything with all of the boxes the lights came in. In fact, I came into the kitchen to clean it and the boxes, and here we are.
Anyways, if you pass by my house and see a tree that looks like it’s on fire, it’s not. Unless it is. In which case, call 911. Thanks.
Lexi Mag 
Sadly, I was able to follow your entire thought process perfectly. Let me tell you about my dogs.
Bwahahahahaha! We miss you. Also, your real house has NO Christmas lights on it. We checked.
How much do you love "If you give a mouse a cookie"? Have I ever told you my mouse killing story. Oh wait, we've never met. I met the president once….Pres. Bush. Man, I'm old…….love your blog.