confessions · funny

The Pharmacy In Me.

I wish I could make some of my titles have rainbows over them. I’d do that with the title to this post. The rainbow brought to you by Wellbutrin.

So once again tonight, I said entirely too much on Facebook. If there was a drug that helped with my brain-mouth filter, I’d take it. I’d take it so hard.

But there isn’t, so I’m going to go ahead and over share with you. I’ll tell you about the drugs I DO take for the things I may or may not have. I self diagnose and then run it by my psychiatrist (who looks JUST like Apu from the Simpson’s. Five points to anyone who knows his last name off the top of your head. Apu’s last name, not my shrinks. I can’t ever remember it so I call him Dr. Apu. Because I’m super respectful.) I’m pretty good at diagnostics. I mean, what with watching five years of Dr. Phil and having a couple of years of psychology under my belt, I’m practically a doctor. I’m usually right, too. That, or Dr. Apu just isn’t paying attention.

It’s the former. Or the latter. Or whichever word means “the second thing I said.”

Who the hell is emailing me while I’m trying to write a post?!So many distractions, so little something something.

 I stole this from:

I have ADHD. This one I actually have been diagnosed with. There’s an app for that. Not joking. I take Adderall for it, but I really don’t love it. I take the lowest dose and I still have found myself grinding my teeth right out of my head. While I’m awake. But it helps. A LOT.  I hadn’t fully realized how bad my ADHD was until I started taking the medicine. It’s when I first discovered that normal people FINISH THINGS. They change their sheets not because they are peed on, but because it’s something you do routinely.  If someone or something interrupts a project, they go back to it. Blew my mind.

Anyways, I also have social anxiety disorder (I’m SAD) and awesome bouts of depression. The first thing (former?) is new. Not new as in it just started, but new as in figuring it out. I’ll write a post on that whole fantastic thing someday. Maybe. Long story short, it means that I don’t hate people, I just look like I do every time I’m around them.

But I don’t have bi-polar which is really REALLY a bummer. I mean, if I’m going to have depression anyways, it would be a lot cooler if it was paired with something like MANIA so I could at least have some awesome ups.

Alas, just bouts of depression. They are usually right around my period or after a super stressful time. Or during. Or at random. Or all of the time. To keep the blues and the hates away, I use Wellbutrin. I like the XR better than the SR (Xtended release and Someotherkind Release). It doesn’t work as well as Prozac for the blues, but it also doesn’t make me a STARVING lack-luster subservient libidoless  doormat. Prozac makes me apathetic. It’s like pathetic, but with an ‘a.’ (Five points to whomever comes up with the best word for the “A” in “apathetic.“). It also has the VERY unfortunate side affect of loss of appetite (for the first month, then my body adjusts and I go back to eating entire plates of french fries).      

Have you seen this blog? It’s the best depiction of depression that ever was or ever will be. Go there. And if you don’t get sidetracked, come back and read the rest of this post. Maybe even comment. If you do all of those things, you don’t have ADHD. I just saved you a doctors visit right there.

If you’re still sad after going to that site, you have depression. You’ve been diagnosed. You’re welcome.

For the random panic attack, my favorite friend in the fight is Ativan. I used to take Xanax, but it would put me to sleep for days. I still don’t even love the Ativan because I feel like it depresses my system out a little bit for the next day or so. And when you’re prone to The Funk, you have to be careful about that sort of thing.

So there you have it. Pharmaceuticals are the glue that is holding this mess together. I’m not even ashamed about it, either. This crap isn’t my fault any more than Wilford Brimley’s diabeetus is his. Wait, is it?

So, what’s the glue that holds you together? What’s Apu’s last name? What is the “A” in “apathy” for? Go on.

38 thoughts on “The Pharmacy In Me.

  1. I can't spell his last name but I can mostly say it. My husband takes drugs too. He is on Zoloft. I was in total denial about him needing them but since he has been on it he has been a much better person (he gets kind of mean when he is having a bout of depression kind of like if I push her away she can't push me away type thing) and our marriage has improved immensely.

  2. Absent and pathetic had a baby and named it apathetic? Sympathy and psychic had a baby and named it Empathy and Awesome and Hectic had a baby and named it Autistic….I think I need to go to bed. lol ADD what?

  3. So. I can't talk about ADHD, except to tell you my husband has it (diagnosed for sure). But, this depression thing. Man … if we talked about all my anxiety disorders and depression you'd probably think I was absolutely nuts. After all these years of just dealing with it (with and without medication) I finally saw a different type of doctor and it turns out it was a severe — SEVERE!!! — hormonal imbalance. As in, I should have been a corpse based on my levels. Until that point I had never had a doctor run my hormone levels to see if my factory was operating correctly. Never. I would not have spent thousands of dollars on drugs and doctors' appointments if I had seen this guy first. Nor would I have spent all those years crying all the time, not sleeping at night but pretty much only sleeping during the day, in pain, with headaches and severe inability to get anything done at all. Anyway, I'm not forcing you to see a homeopath, but what I am saying is if you're not pleased with your medications and treatment, you maybe could consider it. I'm not saying it to preach to you or be all humble-braggy, but just to let you know that I have been there and I really, truly couldn't do it any longer. I was on the verge of suicide. This doctor saved me. I don't want anyone to hurt like I did and I just want to shout from the rooftops about my new life. I seriously feel like a new person.

  4. Coupla things:1. That link to Hyperbole and a Half reminds me that we haven't heard a peep out of Allie Brosch since she wrote that depression post, which was a year ago! No FB, no twitter, no blog, no book… :-/2. I thought SAD meant Seasonal Affective Disorder? What do they call it if you have Social Anxiety Disorder AND Seasonal Affective Disorder? That's like, half the population of the Pacific Northwest, and most of the Cullens. And did you know, Allie Brosch got depressed AFTER she moved to Oregon? Coincidence, I think not!3. Maybe you're not actually apathetic, but really just APATETIC? Can you change colors to suit your surroundings like a chameleon? I think that answer should be worth *at least* 10 points. Are these points like green stamps, and where can I cash them in? 4. You should ask Dr. Apu for Concerta XR. Or possibly SR. It is way more even-keel for the ADHD. And how are you on both Adderall AND Wellbutrin?! That's a whole lot of stimulant right there. You must have the cleanest kitchen ever.

  5. Are these points like the ones in Who's Line where they don't really count anyway?I'm not currently medicated, but I'm betting I have undiagnosed ADHD because sheets rarely get changed unless someone pees or I go, "Oh crap, I haven't changed the sheets since we moved into this house," (we won't discuss how many weeks THAT was). I also at any given time have about 6 tabs or more going in Chrome. Sometimes not even having Facebook AND Twitter open keep me from getting bored. I feel like people post too slow so I open more tabs to look at other stuff while I wait for someone to post something good to read. *and breathe*When my husband was deployed, I was taking enough pharmeceuticals to put down a small horse. At least that's how it felt. Anxiety through the roof. It was just a really bad time overall. Zoloft, Ativan, and Remeron were my daily friends. The Remeron left me really sleepy and groggy, so I could only take that when I had some extra help. We spent about every other weekend at my parents or my in laws as a result. The Zoloft and Ativan allowed me about 4-5 hours of broken sleep a night instead of 3. Oh! A Facebook notification! Totally lost my train of thought…

  6. Yeah, Apu just did what I told him. He was lousy. I've moved now and have to find a new psychiatrist. That's why I'm only on 5mgs of Adderall- because of the Wellbutrin. And I'm on the lowest dose of that, too. But my kitchen is clean when it's not the week before my period. Or during. So for two weeks a month, my kitchen is CLEAN.I tried concerta (that's what Casey is on) and Vyvanse. Both of them made me feel like my head was swimming and I totally lost my ability to write. Which you know, is important because I've got to keep bringing in the fat cash from this blog.oh wait.

  7. Oh, I made up the SAD thing. I just think it's funny that the acronym for that and Seasonal Affective Disorder both spell SAD. I lived about an hour from where all that Twilight crap was written about on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington. Where we were, it rained something like 300 days a year. But I love rain, so it wasn't that huge of an issue. It's like fall all of the time. I love fall.

  8. Nope. I'm willing to try all avenues. I'm no respecter of medicines. If it works, I'll take it. My mother in law will be SO proud. She swears by homeopathy.

  9. I'm glad he got some help. I couldn't imagine if my husband needed it. That would be tough. I think it would be super tough to admit it, first of all. And he refuses to take good meds even when he's sick. One time we were in the hospital for freaking KIDNEY STONES and he wouldn't even take the morphine offered him. I said I would as proxy, but they're not into that sort of thing.

  10. Amanda, I think we're pretty close to being the same human. Right now, I have six tabs opened. Every time I comment on someone's comment, it ALSO sends me an email and by the time my phone next to me pings with the email, I've forgotten that it was ME. So I get all excited and check my email only to find my own name there. I've done this three times in the last fifteen minutes. If I'm playing a game, I can't do it unless I'm also watching tv or listening to the radio. I judge how well my meds are working by my ranking in Spades.I don't know what I would do if my husband had to deploy. Puddle. I'd be a damn puddle. You Military wives deserve freaking medals.

  11. For your ADHD, have you considered mountain dew (you know, like honey boo boo)?For depression, I love Wellbutrin. I miss it. I never felt better and the forty pounds I lost didn't hurt my feelings either.If you have regular anxiety, and not just here and there panic attacks, you might actually do better with an ssri like Zoloft or Paxil. Zoloft also has an indication for social anxiety, too. I know for myself that wellbutrin actually made me a little more anxious sometimes because of the stimulant piece. But I don't have ADHD so it might not affect you the same way.I say all this as a pharmer and a person with depression (plus or minus anything undiagnosed…I have some hunches).

  12. Oh…and I didn't mean to imply that ADHD isn't real. I re-read and it came off badly. It was a half-joke, half-serious–some parents actually do choose caffeine over pharmaceutical stimulants, and some actually do well with it. On the other hand I can't resist a dig at little honey boo boo. I'm in a fight with a six year old I don't know. I'm a bad person, but I am totally winning the fight.

  13. So, I stumbled upon this post by the grace of God, or something. I'm a virgin to your blog…well I was. teehee. I am pretty hardcore ADHD and I am super afraid to get meds for it. I have a few spawn and and a hubby. I am worried about side affects and them creating more problems or issues. I also have anxiety attacks and would like an occasional drug for those when they get bad. What, if any are the major side affects from your ADHD meds and Anxiety meds. You mentioned teeth grinding etc, but I want dirty details if there are any. And then, what do I do- go into a random shrink and say "Give me drugs." How does this work without going into my whole life story with somebody. I am currently seeing a therapist and am super happy with that. I don't want to start over with somebody else. Any advice would be appreciated, only because you seem relatively 'normal' and it appears we have a lot in common so I value your opinion. Thanks for listening- sorry about the ramble!

  14. After having my daughter in 2005, I was diagnosed with post partum depression and pregnancy induced social anxiety. I was prescribed Lexapro which just made me happy all. the. time. So I got off of that and eventually was diagnosed with depression and prescribed Zoloft. This time, I was angry all. the. time. After my grandfather committed suicide, I started counseling and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and up until getting knocked up this year, took Citalopram (Celexa) which works great for me.I am researching essential oils to help with my anxiety… gotta be better than meds, right? (Or at least can't hurt?)Anyway, I am glad you shared. I think it helps because you certainly are not alone! 🙂

  15. Being diagnosed with ADD a year ago pretty much changed my life — up until then I just thought I was a miraculous combination of overanalytical depressive and bubbleheaded flake. So now I take a combo of Adderall XR — which makes me much more efficient but makes me want to pick fights with everyone — and Celexa, which curbs the crabbiness. When you say you never realized what it's like to be a person who finishes a project — YES. Except I was the person who'd never realized what it was like to recognize a problem, think it through in my head, come to a solution and move on. Being able to do that was like, "Whoa, so THIS is how the rest of the people operate."I'm an old hand when it comes to prescriptions, though. Zoloft helped my social anxiety, but also killed my sex drive. Ambien helped me sleep through the night but causes THE CRAZY.

  16. I'm not Lexi, but having been diagnosed with ADD (without the "H) only recently and having finally started taking medication for it, I'll take a stab at addressing your concerns anyway, Wendy. I see a psychiatrist in tandem with my therapist — like you, I love my therapist and wouldn't want to stop seeing her. If your therapist agrees that meds might benefit you, ask her to refer you to a psychiatrist and then tell the psych that you and your therapist agree you may have ADHD, and that he/she feels medication will help. The key, I think, is to make it clear you want to keep the lines of communication open between your therapist and your prescribing doctor rather than going in and asking someone you don't know to start prescribing you drugs. There's no reason why you can't visit both simultaneously — in fact, in my experience it's been great to have access to both.As for side effects — personally, as someone prone to anxiety, my biggest issue with Adderall has been the anxiety. Not when I take it, mind you, but when the effects of it wear off at the end of the day, leaving me crabby and tense and anxious, the way you'd feel after weathering a day of bad news and tantrums. For me, an anti-depressent (Celexa) took away the stabby urges.I felt the need to comment to you because it really was like having a veil lifted from before my eyes when I finally started taking the meds, and if anything I'm a little stunned that I managed to get to age 33 without having realized the veil was there in the first place.

  17. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I'll be 33 next month. I have heard the veil analogy and it make so much sense. It seems like that is what I need. I really like your suggestion to work in tandem with my therapist and a doctor. I have made up my mind to pursue the medication. I owe it to myself and my family to at least try it. Thanks again you guys!

  18. Thank you, "The Slurry's" for your response. So SO perfect. First off, it's so good that you have a therapist you like. Therapy is SO helpful and I haven't met a human on this earth that couldn't benefit from it in one way or an other. In fact, I hope to find another good one someday soon.Therapy and meds go hand in hand. ADHD meds are tricky. I've tried several out myself. You really do have to try different dosages and types until you find a kind that you are comfortable with. I like adderall the best for me, in combination with Wellbutrin. I take half of the usual dose of Wellbutrin and 5mgs of adderall a day. The 5mgs isn't enough at this point, and it doesn't last long enough, but I'm at the point where I think I need to see a really good psychiatrist and do a complete overhaul of my meds because the social anxiety I'm going through is rough. I love people, but I'm having a hard time being myself around them. Anyways, back to you. Wellbutrin is an anti-depressant, but not a SSRI. It works differently and helps a lot of people with ADHD as well. I love Wellbutrin for that and two other fun little side effects: 1. weight loss, or for me at least, no more weight gain. 2. INCREASED sex drive. I have a suckwad libido. Wellbutrin is super helpful. CONS: It makes me a little more anxious and I'm jittery for the first week I'm on it. I also find that I'm a little bit more "yelly" at my own spawn, and I don't like that. Hence, the teeny tiny dose I'm on. Adderall: pros- helps with the ADHD, only side effects I've seen are grinding my teeth and some anxiety at night when it wears off. Concerta: made me feel dizzy and sick. But I know A LOT of people who swear by it. It's also ALL about how it makes YOUR body feel. The nice part about Concerta is the release mechanism- it basically has a teeny tiny hole in it so the medicine is released in a steady stream all day. Less of a "come down" affect, thus lessening the night time anxiety. My son is on concerta. Vyvanse. Another ADHD med. I have a family member on it who loves it. It made my head swim. Again though, it seems to release differently so I didn't feel like I was sharply coming down off of it.Strattera: is NOT a stimulant. I tried this for a about a week. As far as the ADD goes it was SO FANTASTIC. I'd kill to be able to take it. It's more of an "executive functioning" medicine. Meaning, you are able to have control of all areas of your life OVERALL. With stimulants, you can focus on the task at hand for as long as the medicine is working. The problem for me is that it made me SUPER SUPER sick. They tried having me take it at night so I could sleep through the yuck, but then I was up all night. I'm sad it didn't work. I liked how I felt the best on it, even after just a week.Anxiety: I like ativan more than xanax for fast acting temporary relief of panic attacks. Even the smallest dose of xanax cut into a third of a pill knocked me out. Ativan doesn't do that, though I still feel like it depresses my system too much. It also kills my sex drive for the next couple days even after having just a half. But that could be in my brain, too. If you ever want to talk, click on the email button up top. Or email me at mostlytruestuff AT I'd love to chat.

  19. Alyssa, you were dead to me (lies, you never were, but I like saying it) for a minute there but then totally redeemed yourself with your ongoing war with that six year old. Siri calls me "Honey Boo Boo"

  20. Wait, Leila, go back. You didn't like being happy all of the time? Explain.Was it like me on prozac? I'm such a doormat on it. I'll do anything anyone asks.I think my mom is on celexa and loves it. I might have to try it again. This social anxiety stuff is the WORST. And it's getting WORSE. Or maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we didn't move so damn much.

  21. That's the funny part about all of this. I totally thought I was just a ditz and gave myself THE WOST time about not being able to get my crap together. I was super glad that it wasn't all of my fault.I need to try adderall XR. Do you grind your teeth on it? Do you sleep? I'm crazy impulsive when I'm not on good meds, too. And not the fun kind of impulsive. The dumb kind. Like deciding that I'm going to chop down weeds with a chainsaw or ruining my one damn pedicure I get a year mowing my lawn in my flip flops. Dumb.

  22. Ooh! My weeds need a good chainsaw. Can I borrow yours?Adderall XR doesn't give me nearly the same spike-and-crash effect of IR. It's more like a gentle cresting and falling throughout the day. I take 25mg of it once a day at breakfast and that does me okay until later afternoon. The only time it interrupts my sleep is if I forget to take it first thing in the morning and try to sneak it later in the day instead.

  23. Is it not typical to have 6+ tabs opened? And a phone pinging about emails and or words with friends games… Because I never even considered add or adhd to be reasons that I don't finish stuff/get distracted from one thing and to start another. I do much better with focus when I have caffine…

  24. What a wonderful article. Truly, there is hope in darkness. This reminds me of my father. I lost him when I was 15 in a very tragic accident. But that makes me braver because I know my dad will always be here for me, especially now that I have been d diagnosed with ADD.

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  27. Wow. Just…wow. I am not quite sure how I wound up on your blog, but it probably has something to do with the Stumble! button, or what I refer to as the ADHD button, but wow. I think it had something to do with your tutu post, but yay ADHD getting me to here. This post sounds exactly like what I’m dealing with, except when I was in my middle school – early college years I had enough anti-depressants to completely turn me off from them for a long time. Between a hard heart to heart with my hubby last night and coming upon this post tonight I think the big guy upstairs is gently nudging me towards getting my ish taken care of and that it’s ok if that means meds. I live in the Pacific Northwest…”my city’s filthy” should be a good clue as to where. Seasonal Affective Disorder and I have reached an understanding, partly because in the winter I go to the mountains on the weekend and use my snowboard to pump by body full of enough endorphins to get me to Wednesday where I start looking forward to snowboarding again on Saturday… but anyway, ADHD attacks again. SAD, more than likely the other SAD that you mentioned in your post, and the non-existent libido that comes with the depression symptoms are all too familiar to me and I guess it really is time to get them in check. I used to be a job coach when I was a Work Study student in college, and I totally relate with your IEP struggles, I worked within a classroom in a school district that gets sued at least once a year over how terrible of a job they do with students with disabilities. In some weird way I have a feeling my training as a job coach prepared me to close with people with developmental disabilities in the future, I just have no idea in what capacity but the little voice in my head says it may be as a parent, but that could just be the anxiety part in me that insists no aspect of my life can ever be easy…not that parenting any type of child is easy, but I hope you get what I mean. Crap, now I’m rambling and may have written more than you did in the original post. I’ll end with a big, intentionally caps THANK YOU for writing it like it is and not being afraid to acknowledge that you get by with a little help from your friends in the pharmacy.

    Here’s to finally putting on my big girl (sweat)pants and taking care of me.

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