I’ve missed you. I know you’ve missed me, too. I can tell by my dwindling stat numbers that you are lonely. I’ve wanted to post, really, but I’ve been in such a hateful mood lately that all that would come out is my complete disdain for most people.
Which reminds me of a story. I came out and told my husband that I think I have, among all of the other crap, Social Anxiety Disorder (want to hear fun psychology jokes? Me neither. But isn’t it interesting that Social Anxiety Disorder and Seasonal Affective Disorder and Sexual Arousal Dysfunction (I made that one up) all are SAD? I don’t). I told him why and we went on to talk about the differences between that and autism and the rest. Then Lance, speaking about himself said, “I don’t think I have any social issue, I just really hate people.”
And then we were in love because we both hate people.
Did I tell you, Blog, that I’m moving again? This time to Rhode Island. A place so sweet I wanted to lick people. Turns out, that’s a felony in Rhode Island. We went there last week to find a place to live. It was awesome. Lance had to go to work, so I had to spend three days driving around the prettiest place in the country trying to find a place to live. I saw many houses. All by myself! Take that, SAD. I didn’t get murdered once, either. This is Newport:
Yeah, a lot of rich people summer there. I will find a way to use that to my advantage. The locals are fantastic. They were warm, friendly, talkative and smelled of the sea and joy. I felt peace and tranquility there.
Then I realized that was probably more a product of having left the kids at home with Heidi.
I found a house that would work and had several hours to kill before Lance was able to break free from his meeting in Massachuesettesesss. I hope by the time we’re done there, I will be able to spell the name of that state. It’s good to have goals. Anyways, as his meeting dragged on, I had to find things to occupy my time. It was ROUGH. I had to walk through all the little stores on the boardwalk and laugh at funny cards and funny people. I ended up in the Gap where I found myself with two gigantic armloads of clothes for the kids back to school. It was 30% off clearance prices PLUS I got an additional 30% off for opening a Gap card. I took pictures of what I was buying and sent them to Lance to see if I could cause him to panic enough to get him out of the meeting. I saved over $600. That makes any amount I spent okay, right? Nothing makes my husband panic. Nothing. It’s another goal of mind to find something that makes him freak the hell out though. Bucket list.
Oooh, speaking of bucket list, I crossed a couple off last week! One was getting a TSA agent at the airport to laugh. They’re America’s version of the Queen’s Guard. And. I. Did. It. We were standing in line and I was “randomly selected” (I’m ALWAYS randomly selected, I had to go to get Carter from the airplane last week, not even getting on a flight, and they did the naked machine and then a full pat down of my breasts. It was weird. The chick wasn’t even wearing a uniform and it happened in the bathroom twenty minutes after I went through the gates) to get that machine thing waved over my hands to see if any hazardous substances were on them. I said, “they’re going to find the nastiest crap on them…and then they’ll realize that ‘oh, she’s a mom.” That’s all it took. That guy needed better training. But it counts, dammit.
Um, so there you go, Blog. Now stop being such a wench.
Love you,
Lexi
Lexi Mag 
RI?!? Is that another temp thing, are you ever going back to WA?
I just laughed out loud. I love your blog!
Does Rhode Island have clean water?
your words made my heart SOAR!
Holy crap, you're moving again? You just got here! I managed to get a TSA agent to laugh, surprisingly while she was screening Sammi's secret bottle of toxic poison disguised as a Dora straw cup full of apple juice. It set off the alarm, and trust me, she was probably *wishing* it was a bottle of toxic poison after the meltdown Sammi had when she took her cup away to stick it in the testing machine thingy.
I'm with you on the blog thing…I've been so busy I've not been able to do it justice and my bloggy friends must hate me. I've not been around as much as I should and its all I can do to hang on…..but does Rhode Island have any good shells? I'll be up to visit/shell as soon as you move it. I'm a good friend like that. 🙂
I made a TSA agent laugh in Orlando last year because I stated the obvious "It smells like feet." It was nasty. He laughed when he overheard me and then sprayed some Lysol around. Lysol is funny because it doesn't really mask odors, it just adds a more pleasant? smell to the sensory assault of stink. Unless you have picked Lysol up as a sponsor…in that case it is great.
I just started reading you so didn't know that this was "another" move.I have always wanted to live in new england – lucky you!!!I can't wait to hear the stories!
Lexi, I just wanted to let you know that you've become one of my favorite bloggers in the universe. (And I read a lot of blogs). I hate people too, which is hard to explain to the few precious people we actually don't hate. Good luck with your upcoming move.
Great post 🙂 Awesome score at the Gap too–and I do that all the time. I feel like a rockstar if I saved a ton, so it doesn't matter how much I actually spent, right?? Really hoping the move goes as smoothly as possible…
My hubby is a TSA employee (Behavior Detection Officer) and I am pretty sure you would have no problem making him laugh!
I have left my blog to languish this summer. I just don't have the motivation. But you? You are the funniest person ever. It makes me kind of hate you when I read how funny your posts are because I am all full of envy and mean stuff. (But I still really love you even if you're way funnier, prettier and skinnier…. especially because you can't spell Massachuesetts either and because you hate people, as do I, except for you. I don't really hate you. YOu know that, right? Am I rambling?)
I was laughing this whole post Lexi. You are so funny.
I never thought of putting toxic poison in a bottle. Well played.
Tandy, you proud me.
You're not reading enough blogs. That being said, THANK YOU!
RIGHT?! It's the greatest feeling ever. I went back the next morning because I had left something there and tried to talk them into letting me still have the 30% off. They wouldn't. Which I guess was good, because I did not need to spend any more money there. But I'm telling you- when you can get Gap clothes for LESS than Walmart, you buy buy buy!
Oh Patty, I am none of those things. But I'm super super glad that I've been able to make you believe it. Means I'm doing something right and that my blog is aptly named.
Great post..I grew up in Massachusetts and did lots of vacations and just beach days in RI. I hope the move and transition go well.
Great post..I grew up in Massachusetts and did lots of vacations and just beach days in RI. I hope the move and transition go well.
Thank-you. I have had a couple of really crappy days and this blog made me laugh and feel a litte better. You are like a super hero. Saving one hormonally out of control woman at a time…we should think of your super hero name… 😉