I confess…

Have you been on the Scary Mommy website? It’s funny. It even has a “confessional” where you can anonymously go to tell people why you are a terrible person, mother, friend or to rag on your in laws. Good stuff. I figure this blog is my confessional, but I’ve often wondered what I would say if *I* were anonymous. In fact, I’ve even thought of starting another blog just so I could be anonymous.

Don’t tell me you don’t want to make out with me.

I think it would be pretty much the same, but I’d swear A LOT more. How’s that? Sad, the life I lead. I have no secrets. I really don’t. I should start making crap up again, but quite honestly, I can’t make crap up that’s more interesting that the stuff that happens to me on a daily basis.

But I’ll tell you some of the stuff that isn’t readily available on this blog right now: 

 I confess that it’s been way longer than a day since my last shower and the yoga pants I’m wearing right now aren’t doing quite enough to cover the STANK. I can smell myself as I walk. It’s not good.

I wear yoga pants to school and pull my hair back like I’m going to work out. I haven’t worked out in months.

I confess that I went to bed at EIGHT last night just because I didn’t want to have to put my kids to bed. I was SURE I would wake back up after the kids went to sleep. I didn’t. But then I got all pissed off when I had to get up with Abby this morning (after 11 hours of sleep).

I confess that I DO check to see if people vote on the funny damn blog damn contest even though I say I don’t care. Because I don’t. Care. I don’t. It has nothing to do with my self esteem and my manic-depressive moods have NOTHING to do with where I am in the listing. I confess that I might be posting this just to HINT to you to vote. I confess that if someone else wrote this on their blog I’d think they were a total whore. The funny part about all of this? Is that I’ve had a bunch of “hits” from there…and what was the first post they came to? The last one about proxy baptisms and the Holocaust. HILARIOUS! RIGHT?!

I confess that I absolutely LOVE picking Abby’s boogs. She get’s the most fantastic ones. I don’t get boogers anymore. I grew out of them (or moved to places that are so humid that the insides of my nose aren’t dry for long enough to produce anything worth shoving my fat fingers up there to pick). But she’s been so sick lately that we’ve had to repeatedly wipe her nose…and it hurts her…so she’s on to me and won’t let me pick her nose. And she has the BEST boogs right now. It’s really terrible torture. Scumbag baby.

I confess that when Melissa conspired with Greta to bring me a treat yesterday I was so happy that I could have cried. But I didn’t. Because I was still pretty hateful from the hate mail I had received.  But meeting Greta was AWESOME. Plus, five minutes after meeting her I had suckered her into watching my kid. Booyah.

I confess that the motivation to MOST of what I do is to find people to watch my kids. It’s not that I don’t like children, I just like having a network of people who will babysit for me when I freak out.

AND…I confess… I’d love to hear YOUR confessions. I tell you all sorts of good crap. I know you jerks can comment on this blog- because you did when things went crazy below. Lets hear it.

25 thoughts on “I confess…

  1. I confess I hate babies. I like 'em old enough to wipe their own butt, tell me where it hurts, and why they are screaming in the night, and to understand when I threaten to beat them with a wet noodle. Other people's babies are ok, because when it's time to wipe their butt, I just hand them back. Go ahead, hate me. I had a lady in my ward tell me I was an unfit mother, but I don't know if it's because I feel that way, or because I openly admit it….

  2. You crack me right up, Lexi :)I confess that I'm not crazy about other people's kids. And that I detest the whole concept of playdates. And that I eat far too much Ben & Jerry's. And the F-word is one of my very most favorite words.I think that's it for now.

  3. Nope. Babies really do suck in a lot of ways. Like when they try to nurse EVERYONE they come in contact with just to show you how pissed off they are that YOU wouldn't nurse them. Scumbags.

  4. I wish people wouldn't get so pissed off at my swearing. I see a lot of beauty in the proper use of the "f" word. It can be a noun, a pronoun, a verb, an adverb (if you ad 'ly' to the end) and a great way to tell someone to leave you alone. I don't use it though. Only because I think it's the last thread of hope between me and having someone from the state show up at my doorstep.

  5. I hate play dates too. I am so lazy that I never set them up for my kids, it is just too much effort to be social.Oh and even though I try not to I swear in front of my kids.

  6. I also loooove to pick my kids' boogers. Emma really hates it though and thrashes around so much it isn't worth it. I used to be able to get Chloe to obey by threatening to pick her nose. I wish that trick still worked. I prefer a daily nap and feel like the world has treated me unjustly if I don't get one. I won't mention the neglect my kids have suffered so that I won't be so sleep deprived.Oh, and I also like to pick zits. Now that Sarah is reaching the age of breakouts, I have to exercise a lot restraint to not pick at her face (although sometimes I pick anyway).

  7. i confess right now i feel a little bit down after going to a preschool event and watching my girl with ds whom we adopted some months ago, doing what she does best: not listening, running, bossing around, and not doing what the teacher says, and after all that just 'freeze' . sigh. days like this makes me think WHY WHY WHY?! and wonder when will be the day that she can left her 'orphanage behavior' behind. sightho this post made me smile. thank you. oh and i've voted

  8. No joke. What's up with that? Like we need to feel more guilty.Or how about when they scream and thrash all day like they are possessed, until you throw them at…I mean hand them off to an unsuspecting friend, and suddenly that stinkerbutt is happier than they have ever been, and your friend thinks you are crazy for losing it….

  9. ahahaha! babies really do try to nurse from EVERYONE, huh. No loyalty. Jerks!I confess I like to pick my kids' boogs too. We have some awesome ones around here!I have worn the same clothes for an obscene amount of days…so has my babyMy kids have watched Cars and/or Cars 2 at least once a day for the last month. That's not the only TV they have watched every day. The TV pretty much babysits them these days!

  10. I'm confessing that I have hairy toes. I do, I shave them. Don't hate. I also am confessing that I want a baby and for some reason no guy will marry me.. Trolls. I'm also confessing that I am keeping my identity a secret.. muahaha.

  11. Zits are truly the best. I may have um. …ugh.. okay there's no easy way to say this. I may have had sex with Lance just to get his shirt off so I could preen him like a monkey after. TMI? NEVER!

  12. I have hairy toes. A couple of years ago I had the "Hair Toe" where I let all of the hair on my big toe grow out to see how long it was. I used to stick it in my husbands face when he was pissing me off.

  13. You are totally stalking my friends now aren't you? When will this madness end?! :-PMy confessions:I brush my teeth with my eyes closed.I like to find blackheads on my husband's back and dig them out.I actually *like* watching Yo Gabba GabbaI wasn't born on a Sunday.

  14. Hahahahahahahaaaaaaa. It's because your friends are funny, Sunday. Abby watched a little of YoGabagaba the other day and I loved her more. So when I said before that I couldn't love her more if I tried… I was wrong. I sing the Banana song at least twice a day, every day.

  15. Maybe one day we can braid each other's toe hair. Is that going too far? My boyfriend says I go too far sometimes with my joking, I think he's just jealous of me.

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