Hey look, I’m giving you something to do while you anxiously await the winner of the necklace and earrings from Ever Designs. I’m a good friend like that.

So I was basically told to cut out soda, citrus, chocolate, spicy foods, Melissa M. and happiness this week. Mostly on account of my heartburn. Melissa because she’s no longer coming out for the happiness gala. I’ve been trying to focus my rage on something besides her…and then she sent me a picture of her husband with a cat on his back and it was like BAM. All of my anger and rage is now directed towards StupidDevin and his stupid cat. I’m pretty sure I’ve mapped out a way to make him responsible for my heartburn, too. That dude is so dead to me right now.
(it needs to be noted that Devin having horns and a pointy-eared cat does NOT make him a supervillain. He’s just evil)

Moving on.

I wanted to make a post about our clean happy little family at our happy little pumpkin patch buying happy little pumpkins. I could have, too, because I’m getting better at photoshop…and my kids really did get pumpkins. But not so much at a “patch” as a side-of-the-freeway stand. And we didn’t go as a happy family. Lance threw them all in the car in their grossest clothes so that I could have some time to, in his words, “clean and cry without being interrupted.” Instead, I played four games of internet spades. I will crush you at spades.

What’s next? (this post is becoming more and more like a variety show but without anything really funny or worthwhile. Kind of like Saturday Night Live in between Will Farrell and Andy Samberg. It’s very much indicative of the larger problem I have with this blog. Nothing really goes together.)

You saw my post about my phone going in the toilet, right? Do you know what I learned from it? How to spell the word “toilet” correctly the first time. Also, it worked. My sucking fecal death out of my phone may have given me some intestinal parasite (PRAY that it’s a parasite…like a tapeworm…that would be awesome and stuff), but it also gave me my phone back. Melissa M. would still kiss me on the mouth. She told me so (that brat can say that knowing full well she’s not coming out here anymore. I must punish her. We’re making a blog though. It’s going to be something. Not sure what).
I didn’t take that picture. I don’t have an iPhone. I have an android because Lance is anti-name brand anything. He wants me to feel inferior at all times. Also, my toilet is never that clean. Never. 

Casey WAILED today for two hours because all the butterflies are gone. Two hours. I think God knew it was coming (it’s God’s fault that the butterflies are gone…right?) so he gave me the perfect day beforehand. It was so close to perfect. Abby was the perfect amount of sick. Not so sick that I felt I should keep her in, but sick enough that she was totally okay to chill in her stroller all day. Lance told me that I needed to go buy some clothes. That by itself should tell you how bad my clothing situation was. Lance still wears clothes that say “Lehi High School Pioneers” on them. So I went to “Leeseburg Premium Outlets.” I smirked at the word “premium.” I was wrong. They were PREMIUM. As well as Epic and Extreme and all other words that should no longer be used because they’re obnoxious.

They had an Old Navy and Areopostale, both of which were very nice, but very expected. Then I headed down to….nananana nan annananaaaaaaaa

The Pottery Barn Outlet. BOO FREAKING YEAH. I’m not really a Pottery Barn girl. I should say that first. I LOVE all of their stuff and I love stealing ideas from their catalogs. But I’ve never ever bought anything from the store because  I’m too “cheap” (ie poor).  I still thought things would be wildly expensive…but it was still nice to look right? I got some deals. I got two big throw pillows for $10 a piece and Christmas stalkings (yes I really wrote that) stockings for my whole family for $7 a piece. It was terrific.

But the best was yet to come. I had to stop by Walgreens to get some heartburn medication because I knew I would be stopping for a delicious beverage soon. But then this Walgreens had fountain drinks in the store! I did a little skip dance right there. Then it got all sorts of out of hand when I put my ice in the cup and it was CRUSHED ICE. Just like Sonic. I could have peed myself.

It is ironic that I bought the cause and the cure to my heartburn in one place though, right?

Were you wondering if I was going somewhere with this post? I’m not.