confessions

Stuff that gives me full fledged anxiety

Do you know what Xanax is? It’s an anti-anxiety drug. Do you know what it does to me? Knocks me out. For days. If I take a fourth of the smallest dose, I’m still tired. That stuff sucks. So when I have real anxiety attacks (we’ve well established the fact that I’m crazy, right? This should come as no surprise to any of you…) do you know what I have to do? Deal with them. I can’t even eat them away any more. My body wants to be fat. The minute I gorged on that delightful cheesecake Staceeyeyeyeey (I can’t remember if her name has an “ey” or an “y” but I do remember her making a big deal out of it once, so now I’m in trouble) bought me (did you hear about that? I made a cheesecake for the dessert auction and before I left Lance told me to win it back so I didn’t have to make him another one. So I bid the heck out of it AGAINST Staceyeyeyeeeee and she eventually one. Then she just GAVE me the thing! Who does that? She’s a fine, fine woman. In every sense of that word, I might add) I gained fourteen pounds. It takes me two years to lose that much. Ug.

So right now I have anxiety. It’s been there in the background for two days. Over the dumbest things EVER. And some not so dumb. So here’s my list:

  • I have to go to the dentist this afternoon. It’s time for my 6 month checkup anyways (I say that like I’m good at going every six months. I’m not) but because of all of this other anxiety and stress I’ve been having I’ve been grinding my teeth in the most delightful way. I’ve been pushing my lower jaw out so my bottom teeth press out on my top teeth. It’s caused a crack in my upper tooth (I tried to take a picture of it, but then the picture only convinced me more that I need to get my teeth whitened) and a chip out of my bottom tooth. Awesome. At least I don’t have to lie this time about flossing. I’ve been AWESOME at flossing. I deserve a prize out of the prize box. I called around to dentists to make sure the one I went to had a prize box. The trick is to go to a “family” dentist. They have prizes. (I made all of that up)
  • Abby’s party is stressing me out. I want it to be big and fun. But I want it to have more meaning. So I’m doing that fundraiser. Thinking about that family gives me goosebumps. About bringing him home. But it’s hard to ask for money. If this wasn’t something I felt SO strongly about I wouldn’t push it. But I do. If you know anything about the orphanages in Eastern Europe, you know that they are not a kind place for these kids. Had Abby been put in one I’m confident she would not have lived to see her first birthday. What’s worse is what happens when these kids turn five. I don’t even want to go into it. But this boy needs to come home. 
  • I think I have to make 10 dozen cupcakes for this party. Or at least, that’s what Heather J. said. Ten. Dozen.  Oh and 10 dozen rolls. And food. What kind of food? I know there will be candy (but the dude hasn’t written me back and that’s been keeping me up at night, too). Cupcakes. Fruit and veggie trays, pasta. What else? It’s not a dinner thing. There just will be a lot of people. Lots of kids, mostly.  I’m not good at planning out the important parts. I just like to decorate. 
  • You know what WAS stressing me out and isn’t any more? Summer break! The thought of it made my insides shudder. So yesterday I went over to the Boys and Girls Club office at the school to ask about their summer program. I really want Casey to have some structure, and they do SUCH great things. But I was worried about whether or not they’d be able to handle him. And Carter is good with him, and he’s also been begging me to go to it, so I’d have to enroll him, too.  And then that would leave Peyton at home by himself and that was terrifying. But the form said “6 and above.” It’s also $90 a week PER KID, which was WAY out of our price range. (even though that’s a crazy good deal if you’re going to have your kids in it five days a week)The girl who runs it is AMAZING. We spoke and I told her of the situation. About how Casey was a good kid, but needed direction- and surprisingly, the one who is BEST at helping Casey right now is Peyton.  So she said they would make an exception for P (who turns 6 in the fall) and then she gave us a HUGE discount on all three kids. I cried. I hate crying in front of people and I totally lost it. I looked like the biggest case ever. I just couldn’t believe it. WoOoo!
  • The laundry pile is huge. You could make a small fort out of it. Under my gigantic table. 
  • Finishing anything is hard for me. Why? Because I suck at it. I’ll work REALLY hard at the beginning and just. wont. finish. Why am I like that? I have seventeen unfinished projects that I can see from where I’m sitting (lie. I have no idea).
  • Lance’s birthday is on Monday. Have you met Lance? He’s the BEST. I want to do it up right for him, but what do you do for a guy who doesn’t care?! Food. He likes that. The other thing, of course. But what else? Grrrr. I wish he’d just tell me. Oh crap! He did. The other night as we were falling asleep! AHHHH. I don’t remember! I just realized that I don’t remember. He told me flat out what he wanted. If the tables were turned and he had forgotten what I had flat out told him I would have killed him. 

My house is giving me anxiety. It’s a mess. This whole post was just my way of stalling. Now I have to do it. 

9 thoughts on “Stuff that gives me full fledged anxiety

  1. I try and look at the big picture when I'm feeling anxious. Most of those things don't really matter when all is said and done. They don't define who you are. You are amazing and you try. And I'm pretty sure that's all that is expected of us.I can help you make some cupcakes.

  2. I can bring food to the party too. You've invited a lot of people. I'd be more than happy to help!I had an anxiety day yesterday. I yelled at Grace for wanting me to hold her. I called Joe at 11:30am in desperation asking him to come home early from work, like, right then. He came home at 3:15pm. I didn't really feed my kids lunch, just let them eat what they could grab and then put Grace to bed as fast as possible and slept away the afternoon. Not a fun day. I'm sorry you are feeling anxious right now. I wish I could take it away for you. Let me know what I can take away to help!

  3. I will help you with the rolls. Ask Holyoak – they are amazing! =) It is the ONE thing I can bake.Do you want your drugs back? I will have to find them. I didn't use them because the doctor said NO if I was, well, you know. But I'm not!I'm glad your kids get to go to the thing this summer. That is awesome! Don't worry about crying in front of people. Just give them a nice wrap your leg around them hug and it will confirm your insanity and they won't think another thing about it! =)

  4. Please tell me something to help you with. Except scrub toilets and mop floors.. I too struggle with anxiety (like this week at the Dr's office when I came unglued, and still hyperventilating over it, but you already know about that) Soooo whenever you want to come hang out in my bomb/zombie shelter, come on over. It's fully loaded and awesome… I promise.

  5. I can make cupcakes for you. I can also make rolls, but now I'm nervous that they won't be as good as Misty's. I can also hold you on my lap and rock you like a baby.

  6. I'll make cupcakes too. Give us all our marching orders, woman. I wish I had 90 bucks a week to send Patrick away every day this summer. (Maybe you could go tell the lady that Peyton is actually twins, you just forgot?)

  7. I can make cupcakes too, of course I have no idea how to frost them all pretty-like, like on the picture. I'll leave that craziness to Pam or Amy! And I am more than happy to come by and help you clean. Put me to work!

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