So this post wanders all sorts of places. Sorry.
So I’ve spent the day feeling sorry for myself. Discounting all of my blessings just because I didn’t get the one I had hoped for. My husband convinced me to meet him for lunch and just as I was leaving Heather J. called and wanted to ride up with me so she could go out with her husband. Two minutes into the car ride she said something that I hadn’t thought of myself:
“There has to be a reason for this”
The whole time I had thought what a crap shoot this all was (see post below). I hadn’t once thought that there’s a reason behind it. How’s that for little faith? I’m grateful for good friends who lift me up when I can’t do it myself. I talked to my sister Melanie for a long time who once again tried to convince me to move to Arizona. I love what she said, “Just know that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. A very bright, hot light…”.
There’s a reason for this. I prayed really hard that we’d get this dang loan thing, but maybe I should have just prayed for direction. Or maybe I should have just prayed like my grandmother did. My grandmother (who was in her nineties at the time) was VERY hard of hearing. She also had inner ear problems which made her really wobbly and prone to falls. She prayed out loud- and because she couldn’t hear herself, she’d pray REALLY loud. She wouldn’t hear me come into her house in the morning and I’d stand downstairs listening to her talk to God. She’d thank Heavenly Father for her home, for the food she had to eat that day, and for her family. Then she’d pray for each member of her family that needed it, by name. The only thing she’d ask for herself was, “please help me not to fall today.”
Weaving back to the original thought. Just kidding I’m not. I want to go somewhere else.
This Sunday in gospel doctrine I came across my new favorite scripture. Remember in The Gospel of John the blind man that Jesus healed on a Sunday? The Pharisees asked Jesus who had sinned, the man who was blind or his parents. Who was at fault for his blindness. And in John 9, verse 3 it says:
Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents:
I’m going to take that scripture out of context. I think this is one reason why children are born with special needs. Abby and Casey were so good in the life before this that they get a free pass here. They didn’t come here to be tried the same way we all are. They had enough faith already. They’re here to teach us. So that God can work through them. So people will see these works. I can see that every day in my life. If I’m paying attention. And that’s the caveat. I still suck at paying attention. It’s there. It’s always there. In situations where you pray and pray and the thing you were praying doesn’t come to pass it’s because there’s a better reason. Maybe it’ll just be one of those instances where I’m supposed to learn to be humble. I hate those. They’re the worst. Maybe it means that it’s time for Lance to find a different job. Maybe it means that the dude in my email really is a Persian king and is really leaving me 12 million dollars. I should follow that one through. Or maybe I won’t ever know the reason. I hate those ones, too.
Today I took a spiritual fall. I shook my fist at the sky for a little while. I need to repent for that.
Tonight I’m going to pray. I’m going to thank Heavenly Father for all of my blessings. I’m going to pray for the people I love by name. And then I’ll pray that I won’t fall tomorrow.
3 thoughts on “More rambling thoughts.”
Money worries are the worst. I've been struggling with that lately, too. We had a few years of living very comfortably, and it's really hard to learn to make do with less. The Lord has made it clear to me that I should have faith and not worry about this, but worrying is part of my nature. I'm trying to exercise faith. Good luck to you. Does this mean you're not going back East this summer?
What a great favorite scripture for you, Lexi. I actually read that that other day, and thought of you. It's true. You think about how many people Casey and Abby have touched already in their lives and exponentially multiply that out…. It's interesting to think that part of your life test (and Lance's and Carter and Peyton's) is to facilitate that mission. I hear you on the money trauma too. We're still waiting for those years of "living comfortably" to come along! In our case it's more of a situation where Sean is doing what he LOVES, for a cause he believes in, on the promise that with enough years, the money will come in this particular career. And it has, very gradually, we're fine, we don't want for things we actually need. But. We don't go on trips except to visit family, we don't have lots of extras, we've never gone away just the two of us, and every car breakdown/urgent care $300 deductible/whatever is a crisis, not just an inconvenience. And we're STILL waiting to own a home. 🙂 Someday. That's what I tell myself. Anyway. I'm not ranting to detract from your own crap situation, just to commiserate. Money sucks. I hate thinking about it and losing sleep over it.
Right now, I'm watching my dad "let go" all of my family members from the store. I'm watching him put his truck and his beloved Jeep that he has spent years working on up for sale. I'm watching my mother work 3 jobs. I'm watching my daddy work his knees to the bone laying floors and at the same time using those knees to pray continually for the members of his Stake. Someday the fulfillment to his blessing will come. And someday your answers will come to. I love you sis. What an incredible scripture and what an awesome example your grandma was. Praying for you. Call me.