So this post wanders all sorts of places. Sorry.
So I’ve spent the day feeling sorry for myself. Discounting all of my blessings just because I didn’t get the one I had hoped for. My husband convinced me to meet him for lunch and just as I was leaving Heather J. called and wanted to ride up with me so she could go out with her husband. Two minutes into the car ride she said something that I hadn’t thought of myself:
“There has to be a reason for this”
The whole time I had thought what a crap shoot this all was (see post below). I hadn’t once thought that there’s a reason behind it. How’s that for little faith? I’m grateful for good friends who lift me up when I can’t do it myself. I talked to my sister Melanie for a long time who once again tried to convince me to move to Arizona. I love what she said, “Just know that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. A very bright, hot light…”.
There’s a reason for this. I prayed really hard that we’d get this dang loan thing, but maybe I should have just prayed for direction. Or maybe I should have just prayed like my grandmother did. My grandmother (who was in her nineties at the time) was VERY hard of hearing. She also had inner ear problems which made her really wobbly and prone to falls. She prayed out loud- and because she couldn’t hear herself, she’d pray REALLY loud. She wouldn’t hear me come into her house in the morning and I’d stand downstairs listening to her talk to God. She’d thank Heavenly Father for her home, for the food she had to eat that day, and for her family. Then she’d pray for each member of her family that needed it, by name. The only thing she’d ask for herself was, “please help me not to fall today.”
Weaving back to the original thought. Just kidding I’m not. I want to go somewhere else.
This Sunday in gospel doctrine I came across my new favorite scripture. Remember in The Gospel of John the blind man that Jesus healed on a Sunday? The Pharisees asked Jesus who had sinned, the man who was blind or his parents. Who was at fault for his blindness. And in John 9, verse 3 it says:
Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents:
I’m going to take that scripture out of context. I think this is one reason why children are born with special needs. Abby and Casey were so good in the life before this that they get a free pass here. They didn’t come here to be tried the same way we all are. They had enough faith already. They’re here to teach us. So that God can work through them. So people will see these works. I can see that every day in my life. If I’m paying attention. And that’s the caveat. I still suck at paying attention. It’s there. It’s always there. In situations where you pray and pray and the thing you were praying doesn’t come to pass it’s because there’s a better reason. Maybe it’ll just be one of those instances where I’m supposed to learn to be humble. I hate those. They’re the worst. Maybe it means that it’s time for Lance to find a different job. Maybe it means that the dude in my email really is a Persian king and is really leaving me 12 million dollars. I should follow that one through. Or maybe I won’t ever know the reason. I hate those ones, too.
Today I took a spiritual fall. I shook my fist at the sky for a little while. I need to repent for that.
Tonight I’m going to pray. I’m going to thank Heavenly Father for all of my blessings. I’m going to pray for the people I love by name. And then I’ll pray that I won’t fall tomorrow.