I'm so funny? · nerds · pranks


looks like a normal sized table, yes?

So you’ve seen the table wars, yes? I’ve been left without a table. Which is fine, because I prefer to eat on the couch anyways. But it’s not totally conducive for family bonding (again, which is fine with me…but patriarch Lance…well, lame).  So I’ve been ALL OVER craigslist looking for a new table. I refuse to buy new. I learned that lesson when I bought the new van. I cried anytime anything touched it. Which happened a lot. My boys…have you met them? Not so much with the new stuff.  Also, new is expensive (which is relative to the amount of money you have in your pocket. So since the cost of Abby’s inhailed steroids went up a full 900% (!) this week, buying new was out of the question). I LOVE craigslist. I’m AWESOME at finding awesome deals. And I love doing it. It’s like garage saling without having to leave my house or interact with people. PERFECTION. But, like most craigslisters, I suck at following through. So I found this table. Loved it. But he wanted $100 more than was in my table budget. So I asked if he’d go less and he’d only knock off $50. So then Heather worked her magic and got him to knock of the full $100!  Then she went ahead and FOLLOWED THROUGH for me. I suck at the follow through! She called, arranged a time, put my pants on for me and went with me to get the table so I wouldn’t get murdered. The table is AWESOME! So much more awesome than the pricetag would infer. It’s a counter height table with SIX chairs that all still have their original plastic on them. It came from a couple that doesn’t have any kids and barely used it. He was from Fiji (he said,  though he looked like a very kind terrorist to me) and she was from India and, get this, they weren’t killers! Not even close! They were very nice. He helped us load it up and gave us this really fancy blanket with a tiger on it so that the table didn’t get scratched. He even had twin and little red flags to put on my car because I couldn’t shut the tailgate. Then they invited us to their house and we thought about how funny it would have been if meeting at the storage facility was just a screening process and that they were really going imprison us in their home…but it turns out they only wanted to give us an extra set of screws and some beverages. Good folk.

But because the table is HUGE there was no room in the car for Abbo. So I made Erin drop what she was doing in Silverdale and come over and get Abby and watch her for the entire day (I left her with my AWESOME babysitter Sarah in the meantime. Not alone. We’ll wait a good year before we do that…).

Realizing that we weren’t going to make it back in time to get Casey off the bus anyways, I arranged for Lance to pickup Abby at E’s house and then get Casey off the bus. All was well, so Heather and I headed off for the Auburn Supermall. It was merely coincidence that the perfect table was by the perfect place. We wandered the mall and then the ginormous Walmart. Have you seen that one? It’s insane. I could have spent a week there.

But I had this nagging feeling I had forgotten something. All day.

Then, on the way home, I realized that E had a free pass at my house. Again. The horror. And I come home to this:

She freaking gave me alone time- with nachos! She knew the only time I’m truly by myself is when I’m in the bathroom (well, most of the time…if we’re close, you’ve heard me in there when I’m on the phone with you…). So she gave me a party in the potty. Fantastically tasty and good looking prank, E. And yes, it’s where we’re going to live up Cinco De Mayo.

(on a side note, word has it that there’s a video of many people having a party in the bathroom before I got home…I’ll post it when I torture it out of them)

Still though. That nagging feeling like something wasn’t right…oh freaking hell! Peyton! I’d left him over at the Thorely’s ALL DAY. Now, I’ve been super forgetful lately anyways. Like how I drove all the freaking way to Janna’s OLD house…the one she hasn’t lived in for MONTHS. But to forget my son? Terrible. I freaking love Mary T., though. She didn’t call or anything. Just kept him. Indefinitely. Thanks, M. I will reward you.


The table is home. It’s set up. It’s huge. Comically freaking huge. Come over and have a good laugh. It’s a Magnusson sized table in a Janna B. sized (talking human size, not her home size- which is now in the Ridge-just so you know) house. It’s like if Jack climbed the beanstalk and instead of getting the golden goose he brought home the giant’s table. The only way it’s going to work is if we tear out two walls. Two walls that I want to tear out anyways. And so does Lance. (the walls behind the picture with the clock and the dumb wood thing on them)  But we can’t. Unless someone happens to run at the wall with a mallet making such damage that it would necessitate us fixing the problem. Kind of like I did with my old table…Yes?  No. No more tricking Lance into doing things. At least not right now.

Keep in mind the scale. Lance is a giant and the table looks small next to him. I’m SO sad about it. I love the table SO SO much. It’s so pretty and so perfect and so huge.

Like me.

So what did we learn today?

1. I’ve got GOOD friends. Friends who will risk their lives to get me a table. Who don’t complain when I almost kill us several times. (who also is co-hosting and co-freaking-paying for Abby’s birthday party- she handed me some cash today to go for it and I said “no” and threw it back at her and she got all sorts of ugly and screamed “STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS!” I love her).  Also, friends who will go in my bathroom. That’s a big deal by itself. I have three boys with poor aim. Then decorate it. Then party in it. Then leave me a treat.

2. Sometimes measuring just isn’t enough.

3. It’s not better to love and lost than to never have loved at all. I LOVE that table. Love it. Now I have to sell it.

4. Measure twice, buy once. 

5.  Eating alone in a bathroom is quite soothing.

7 thoughts on “Refreakingdiculous.

  1. I think my table's the same size as yours…(60×60) Honestly, it was gigantic when we got it, but you get used to it. I LOVE my table. totally worth it. But… I bought the table while we were renting in belfair.. .then I had to buy a whole new house just to fit the table in…

  2. Awesome table! I don't know how it compares in size to ours, but when we first got ours, we felt like midgets, but we're totally used to it now and very much in love with our table. Except I think I might like yours better. Dang.Thanks for being so entertaining. 🙂

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