I’m pretty sure my calling in this life is to get a rise out of my husband (uhg, that and the whole ‘wife and mother thing’). He’s pretty neutral. All of the time. Not that he’s not fun. Or cute. Or totally funny, he just doesn’t show a whole lot of emotion. So I mess with him. Like I did a couple of days ago. But today, well, I upped the antie a little bit.

Doesn’t do the grossness of this beast justice.

I should back up. I hate our kitchen table. Those of you who have sat at said table, please chime in on it’s complete horridness. We bought it at Ikea SEVEN years ago for $100 to “make due (do?)” until we could get a better set. Seven years ago. The thing trembles when I try to wipe it. If you wipe it too hard you think at any point it’s going to come crashing down on you. There’s screw ends sticking out one side that are sharp and catch your clothes if you get too close. And they’re covered in tetanus, I’m sure. The top has been chiseled out by my kids. The sides were starting to splinter, meaning my hands are, too. It was never “finished” so it absorbed food and all manner of disgustiness. I power washed it last year to get the crud off of it. But the wood was so soft and so old and rotten that the force of the power washer caused it to tear off a little. Hideous!

…but, since it was still “structurally sound” (barely) Lance said we had to keep it. So we spent a small fortune putting nice new hardwood floors in, painting etc to make our house look a little classy and we still have that retched table messing it up for us.

So today I figured I needed to scrub the kitchen floor anyways, so I decided to take it outside. I had sort of planned on sanding the top of it down and reinforcing the legs so it was still usable…but that was if it would make it out the door. It didn’t. The leg with the screws coming loose straight up ripped off the table. So then I was stuck. (not that I didn’t already know what I would do if this happened, but lets just pretend I’m not completely terrible and go with, “oh my gosh! my table just broke! I had no idea it would do that! What do I do now?!”). I decided to hide the table. In the forest. Where the kids hide the toys and other household goods they break.  Peyton helped. He was tickled at the idea. So that’s where we’re at. My kitchen doesn’t have a table, but my forest does. I’m going to put all the chairs around the invisible table and act like I have no idea what Lance is talking about.  We eat on the couch most of the time anyways.

You can’t see it from the house. Which is awesome, right?