Casey · confessions · Down syndrome · LDS

Yesterday was hard.

Before now, I wondered if there would come a point where I would be sad that Abby has Down syndrome. I hadn’t yet. Really. There have been moments, but for the most part, it’s always just been okay. Slowly, I felt the reality of it start to drag on me. Then yesterday it hit. I was standing in my garage when I came upon a little music box that my mom had given me. It has two owls on it and it plays the sweetest tune. It made me think of all the things I’ve done with my mom. How I call her as much as I can, now that she’s on a mission. How I used to tell her EVERYTHING. I’d come home from school and she’d hear about every piece of my entire day. And every day she’d act like she REALLY cared, even if the stuff I said was completely boring.

Then I started to think about my only daughter. How different it’s going to be. It’s definitely going to be its own kind of wonderful, but last night I was sad about the the things that wouldn’t be the same. I stood in my garage and started to cry. Lance was out with Abby and when they got back I picked her up and held her for the longest time. It usually helps. I cried and cried while we listened to the sweet little music box playing. A few minutes into it Abby started to cry. She rarely cries…if ever. I really think that little girl is so close to the spirit that she could feel my sadness. She couldn’t see my face-so it wasn’t that she was mimicking me- I had it buried in her neck. It was simply sweet. Maybe it was Heavenly Father’s way of telling me that I still get to have a mother/daughter experience. I may not get to fight with her about curfew, worry about her with boyfriends or watch her really go on dates- but I get to have a daughter that will be happy, will grow, will learn, and will need me. It’s funny being sad about not having the things most mom’s just worry about. I am a little sad that we won’t fight the way my mom and I did. That I won’t have to forgive her for all the crap she’d put me through- like my mom did me. Weird, huh?

Still sad, I set out to beat stupid Erin’s bejeweled score. This only made me sadder. So I posted the things to my blog that I did yesterday and kind of just sat at my compy with my head down. Then Casey came strolling in. He reached beside me, wound up the music box and slowly slid it until it was right in front of me. He looked up at me, and without saying anything grabbed my head and gave me a big kiss, then ran off. When the music stopped, he “snuck” back in, wound it up, grabbed my head and kissed me again, said “I love you so much” and ran off.

Heavenly Father truly showed His hand in my life last night. I love the scripture in the New Testament that talks about the Savior wiping away our tears. I find it interesting that our tears are not dried up by Him, or our sadness taken away. But that he’s there to wipe our tears away. It shows me that it’s not wrong, that it doesn’t show a lack of faith or even gratitude, to be a little sad every once in a while that things aren’t the way I planned. It’s nice to know, and I firmly believe, that His plan for me is greater than anything I could have planned for myself.

10 thoughts on “Yesterday was hard.

  1. I love you, Lexi. Hopefully the lives you change and the good that surrounds Abbs her whole life will more than make up for the things you'll miss. It doesn't mean it's not sad. You can mourn them as long as you want.

  2. I loved this post Lexi, it was so heartfelt. I also enjoyed your observation about the Savior wiping away our tears, very touching. Hey, I was thinking of you the other day when I stumbled upon this testimonial on the website. She reminded me of you. Thought you might want to check it out. Love you.

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