I'm so funny?

Lies! All of them.

Okay, so I got asked the other day (I’m making this part up just to make things interesting) what kind of things I make up. I’m pretty honest about that part. I totally make stuff up. You probably shouldn’t believe half the crap I say. So I thought I’d let you in on a couple of my favorites:

(I would be lying if I said that this picture didn’t make my heart hurt a little and made me stop being so giggly about this post. It’s late. I still miss him a lot)

This is my father. He’s not black. Not even half black. My birth name was never Shanequa.

He wasn’t killed by magic. He died of cancer, and not even the cool kind.

I was never home schooled with McCauly Caulkin.

I did not kiss this dude at a party when I was 13. At least I didn’t believe him at the time when he said he really was that dude, but after I turned 18 and had no cool stories at college, I started to believe. It was a sad game of spin the bottle. It was a peck. Star or not, it was still gross. Until it was cool.

I was in the audience at a Price is Right filming. I did get rejected to be a Barker’s Beauty but never really met Bob Barker. I got close enough to see his makeup hanging his skin that was hanging off his skull, but I didn’t shake his hand or kiss him on the cheek. I don’t know how they did that for so long. It’d be like kissing a corpse. He has evil little eyes.

I did do some modeling work. For Pantene. Handing out samples at a supermarket. Had an agent and everything. To hand out samples of Pantene. They did give me a shirt to wear that the first button was past the bottom of my bra. To hand out samples. Of Pantene.

I don’t even really like cats.

I made the last one up because I can’t go five seconds without making crap up. I love cats. Love them.

When I say, “I don’t know why this weight hasn’t come off!” I’m lying. I do know why. Mozzarella sticks and peach rings.

I’ve never lived in the Congo, much less out of the country.

When I think of more, or need to repent of something, I’ll add to this list.

9 thoughts on “Lies! All of them.

  1. How can you love cats? And how could you cut all my 80's big hair beauty out of that picture of dad? And I never knew you sluttily handed out Pantene. Awesome.

  2. I love your lies. I'm glad to see that I haven't fallen for any of them – so far. I think your dad looks like he was a really nice guy. I'm sorry that he's gone. I used to have the Pantene commercial memorized. You know, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, because I use Pantene. You see, Pantene has a Pro-vitamin B5 complex….". Come over any time and visit our cat. He's nice. And he'd probably really like the attention. And what are peach rings? Is that gummy candy?

  3. I agree with Courtney; your Dad looks like a great guy. Maybe he's teaching my Dad the missionary discussions right now. Would he approve of your creative manipulation of the truth?

  4. You are more than welcome to our cat, Boris. He's HUGE! He's cute though because he has a kitten face. He also pees on everything that belongs to my brother because he hates him.. it's funny and at the same time stinks!

  5. Something for you to add:When I said I would be 55 when my second child graduated from high school and you said you'd be 37. I'm pretty certain that you didn't have Casey when you were nineteen. Nor will you be 37 when I'm 55, so it was a lie either way.

  6. That Pantene thing was a deep dark secret. Pam- I'm sure your dad and my dad are in the hot dads club in Heaven. I'm sure my dad will figure a way to convert him. No Boris. I want a kitten. Courtney, go to the gas station that's right off the Tremont exit. Buy the $1.99 of peach rings in the candy isle. oh man. Pam, that's only because I'm TERRIBLE at basic math. TERRIBLE. Ask anyone who has ever watched me do basic math.

  7. That picture was from Sunny's first wedding–early 90's, Mel. I miss your dad, too. I am sure he is teaching the gospel. He was good at it. He also was nice (and funny)but not very black. He couldn't even get much of a tan.

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