Okay, so I got asked the other day (I’m making this part up just to make things interesting) what kind of things I make up. I’m pretty honest about that part. I totally make stuff up. You probably shouldn’t believe half the crap I say. So I thought I’d let you in on a couple of my favorites:
This is my father. He’s not black. Not even half black. My birth name was never Shanequa.
I did not kiss this dude at a party when I was 13. At least I didn’t believe him at the time when he said he really was that dude, but after I turned 18 and had no cool stories at college, I started to believe. It was a sad game of spin the bottle. It was a peck. Star or not, it was still gross. Until it was cool.
I was in the audience at a Price is Right filming. I did get rejected to be a Barker’s Beauty but never really met Bob Barker. I got close enough to see his makeup hanging his skin that was hanging off his skull, but I didn’t shake his hand or kiss him on the cheek. I don’t know how they did that for so long. It’d be like kissing a corpse. He has evil little eyes.
I did do some modeling work. For Pantene. Handing out samples at a supermarket. Had an agent and everything. To hand out samples of Pantene. They did give me a shirt to wear that the first button was past the bottom of my bra. To hand out samples. Of Pantene.
I don’t even really like cats.
I made the last one up because I can’t go five seconds without making crap up. I love cats. Love them.
When I say, “I don’t know why this weight hasn’t come off!” I’m lying. I do know why. Mozzarella sticks and peach rings.
I’ve never lived in the Congo, much less out of the country.
When I think of more, or need to repent of something, I’ll add to this list.