This is not for you, unless, you know, you like it.

Okay so I found this cool program on Facebook that let me chronicle my status updates. This is my journal for the entire year. Sorry suckers.


is sore.

updated her vinyl blog.

is cutting Twilight Vinyl. Still.


is turning bitmaps into vectors. Really.

is cold.

is home alone and finally can get something donzzzz zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

‘s mother will soon have more facebook friends than her.

is congested.

is imploding.

gets by with a little help from her facebook friends- please donate to the cancer cause- see the link below. Even if it’s just one dollar. Every dollar counts.

has 2 kids with 103 fevers. awesome.

not cleaning her house. but should be. really really should be.

is not invincible.

has another nephew! Hooray for the Prices!

is so so gimpy. Now I have a cast (luckily it’s not one of the hard ones) crutches to prove it. My brother came to Wa to make fun of me.

has only fallen down 5 times today. Crutches are the brainchild of the devil.

Hey girls (and a few anonymous boys) my sister is having a drawing for an amazing lot of Bazzill scrapbook stuff for all who donate! Scroll down for link.

is sick of the puggle.

Is so freaking tired of the cast and crutches. Come clean my house. Just kidding. Don’t. I won’t let you in. It’s that bad.

wishes the dvr could go on repeat so I don’t have to walk all the way over to the tv to turn little einsteins on again. Mothering is hard.

I miss steve erwin.

Is wondering just how long is too long between showers.

wants to punt her puggle.

thinks it’s freaking hilarious that Fox news’s slogan is “fair and balanced”

would have gone to the tea parties today but I had a totally different idea about what they were doing. I don’t drink tea.

has really let herself go.

is siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk of cleaning.

is livin’ it up with the inlaws. Fo reals, yo.

Just finished 500 Twilight signs. It’s about freaking time.

Is trying to find someone to take her primary class because Lance is in Oregon and Casey has scarlet fever. I’m not kidding. Turns out it’s not what I thought it was. It’s just strep with a rash.

is so so bitter tonight. Casey has scarlet fever and I have the bubonic plague. Or at least in one single stupid area on my side.

is a little upset that the sherwood’s aren’t moving. I was planning one wicked tping job. I guess it’s a fair trade, though.

just gave her boys a bag of Doritos to share for lunch. Don’t worry, it was a big bag.

is a little upset about the bran to raisins ratio in her raisin bran. Feel a little jipped.

the latest craze sweeping the nation- scarlet fever! Okay, just my house. Peyton has it now, too. Kill me. I’ve been inside for a month straight.

HATES pageants even more than I used to. The backlash against Miss California is completely unfair. Hooray for her for saying what she believes! I hate hate hate pageants but I support Carrie Prejean.

my husband just came out of the closet.

So I just asked lance who his top celebrity crushes were and he said: Chuck Norris, Mr T. and William Shatner. Hmmm.

is getting ready to go to Nashville to not run a half marathon.

is really going to miss her boys this weekend. ahahahahhhhahahahahahaaaaaaaa! I crack myself up.

I’m crafty. I get around. I’m crafty. I’m always down. Just made me some bracelets.

gets to see her rockin’ family today.

hand fed a raccoon and earned the respect (finally!) of my family.

after 10 hours in various airports is home……………but kinda wants to be back in st. louis. Feeding gosslings and raccoons and various nieces and nephews.

turns out I’m a huge wuss. Carter had to get stitches and I almost passed out.

Carter’s good though. He’s about a million times tougher than me.

sees a red door and I want to paint it black.

Okay, this is rad. 1) Scroll to the bottom of your Facebook page. 2) On the bottom left corner, click English: US. 3) When the language selection appears, click English:(Pirate). 4) Laugh yer scurvey self silly! (too fun to not pass along!!)

is about to lock three people outside until their father gets home.

laughs in the face of pandemics.

lance’s brother just committed to play basketball for BYU. Woot!

rrrr…. just finished The Hunger Games.

the hunger games are going on in my house…


found a dude on facebook named alexis magnusson. We’re now best friends.

is a cutter. a vinyl cutter. that’s all I do. cut cut cut

watch how I can make ANYTHING my husband’s fault when I’m angry.

barbra manatee is the one for me

Casey and Peyton worked together to lift the dog up and out the window and onto the roof. It was okay though, they put pillows out there first.

what’s your favorite one liner from a tv show or movie? Tell me. So I can make it in vinyl and never give it to you. That’s how awesome I am.

While I’m thinking about it- Lance’s birthday is in a couple weeks and I want it to be good. But he’s SO hard to buy for. Guys- what would be the best present your wife (or future wife) could give you?

just wrote peyton out of my will.

likes ordering takeout online because I avoid people (in person) as much as possible.

Just learned that if I use a really breathy voice over the phone Lance will do anything I say. Just kidding. He does anything I say anyways. If he hears me. Or remembers.

whenever I put on Peytons clothes he yells out, “Hey everyone come see how good i look!”

Just spent the last two hours in the pouring rain with a barking dog in the car and one angry locksmith trying to get in. Somehow I managed to lock both sets of keys in the car. When I say “I” I mean “Peyton”

When I try to hold Peyton’s hand now he screams “You’re hurting me” He’s funny. In an angry non laughable sort of way.

hates motnas.

populist uprisings are all the rage

the boys are decorating my topiary like a Christmas tree with stuff from all over the house. Lance gets to clean that disaster up. I’m done.

bought a sidecar for my motorcycle but my dog won’t stay in it.

freezer broke. Anyone want some soupy ice cream or salmonella?

someone make me get off of here and get back to cleaning. dag.

needs some good new music. Ideas?

is on her way to go kick it real with my peeps at a Primary activity. Suwwweet.

is crazy infatuated with lance magnusson.

witty facebook status

needs to lie low until the heat is off.

loves that mother’s day absolves me from any mothering.

wishes there was anything in this freaking world I can do that my kids couldn’t mess up. Grrrrrrrrrrr. They’re adorable.

does not have a favorite child. does have a least favorite.

will you please watch my kids while I grapple with my inner demons?

thinks sid the science kid is full of crap.

wishes being skinny was as easy and fun as being fat.

is feared and respected. And sometimes massively overlooked.

is a caged animal.

just worked off the stupid amount of calories I added when I had that slice of cheesecake factory cheesecake I got at barns n noble. Don’t buy cheesecake there. Not worth it.

just got a manipedi from a chick that spoke fluent English. Best day ever.

loves baked beans.

is in her pupa stage.

GIRLS NIGHT OUT. We’re going to party like we’re LDS stay at home moms and whatnot.

I’m pretty sure that after all that time in a cocoon if you come out as a moth you’d feel pretty jipped. And not jipped in the gypsy terms, because apparently that’s offensive to some people.

just got done cleaning her house, playing and reading to her kids and making a delicious dinner for my husband. AHASHAHAHAAAAAAAAAa I’m freaking hilarious.

is all powerful.

absolute power has corrupted me, absolutely.

has been de-throned.

is so bored with facebook now that I can only update my own status.

Peyton just changed his own diaper. Best day ever.

wonders if there’s any correlation between divorce and the amount of time the couple has played Dr. Mario.

has an attack puggle

ah yes indeed it’s fun time. Because I can’t, I won’t and I don’t stop.

I love lamp.

where the heck did all my produce go?

found produce in the dryer. Of course.

would totally sign up for that stepford wife makeover thing if it made me killer hot and gave me the motivation to clean or speak to my children.

dissed synergy and is now paying the price.

I should prolly get off here while I’m still ahead.

I hate getting the kids ready for school. My only consolation is that they will, in fact, be at school.

is a masochist.

got a back rub in the front room

can’t volunteer in son’s kindergarten class. has several felony arson convictions.

husband just told her we need to be careful with our money. So I just bought a year supply of orange crush and fortune cookies. That’ll show him.

Don’t skip my status. Jerk.

Got rid of my home phone service. call my cell. Or just wait ten minutes. I’ll be back on here. stupid facebook.

kay just kidding. anything but that d-man.

Even my cold dead insides can still see the magic in a baby’s smile.

just spent more money on any one thing I’ve ever bought (besides cars and home) for my husband’s birthday. He’s so worth it. And he’s hot.

Loves me some sweet sweet husband. Happy birthday lance!

the church is truer at 1 o’clock.

You treat me like a child! No, worse than that. Like one of those pageant girls with the clip-on teeth.

Home of the free because of the brave!

getting the funk out.

Best Status Update Ever.

Haught just said the ‘f’ word like 6 times. I’m never answering his phone calls again. He scary.

is all the rage in Canada.

is a renegade of funk.

Free freaking puggle She got up on a chair (this time, I’m seriously not making this up) and yacked in Peytons bowl of mac n’ cheese.

autism sucks.

Happiness is the hose under the trampoline.

I have huge muscles and a knife fight scar on my face. I can beat a bank robber in a fight (for reals. I know one.)

So the door front door just opened and Casey yells, “It’s dad, we dead!” Luckily it was only Carter

is only here for the bejeweled.

and now is takin’ names.

My birthday is coming early this year…tonight is father’s and sons. woot woot. all the party people. fo shizzle.

I haven’t seen 3:14 by my own choice in years. I’d feel all good about how much I’ve done, but my self esteem has been thrashed by bejeweled blitz.

family is home. think i’ll go take a nap.

loves how my mom gushes.

is rabid.

Just took off running to fight crime, but as I ripped my shirt off I realized I forgot to put on my superman suit on this morning.

My husband just hosed down the neighbors crapheadyappy chihuahuas. He’s my knight in shining armor.

Is having sunshine in your soul contingent on rolling happy peaceful moments?


apparently people will still get mad at you even if it’s your birthday- especially when endangered species are involved.

wishes I could gobble. Not the eating kind. I’m great at that. The turkey kind.

is morally superior and adequately humble all at once.

so i just said, “I smell like a diseased rat” and my sweet husband says, “That’s a little unfair…for the rat…” best marriage ever.

wishes that I could punch people in the face through the computer. That would give new meaning to ‘facebook’ Still takin’ names though.

sweats like a wildebeest.

Did you know you can get a business license online? It was so easy I’ve decided to open many. Just got me a business license to be a mercenary. I have to charge you tax now though.

cheese me.

Just died laughing. It was heather who did it. She’s a murderer. Avenge me.

is like, mad at numbers.

wonders how many people have decided to hide me and my obnoxious status updates. Obviously not you. You need a hobby.

‘High maintenance’ means You’re a gluttonous queen. Narcissistic and mean.

My hips do, in fact, lie.

you know, tackling people is a lot of fun. But there’s always that moment at the end right before you get up that’s just a little awkward. Especially if you don’t know the person.

lance is just one pointy eared cat away from being a super villain. dang allergies. wreck all my plans.

knows the public flogging I’ll get for this one-but we’re getting rid of the puggle. Anyone want?

ahahahaaaaaa as I just updated that last post the ad to the left said “for just three dollars you can save a puppy from cruelty” I won’t even make you pay for moxie.

is 27 and has already met her full potential.

smells like a wallaby got in a bar fight with a hobo.

is bringing frumpy back.

may or may not have re-fractured my ankle doing some sweet moves on the trampoline.

check out my 70,000 bejeweled score- by ‘my’ I mean ‘carter’s’. The kid just schooled me and that makes me angry at him. he’s so grounded.

happiness is finding the jame’s at the dollar store and seeing a will ferrell movie.

heavy is the head that eats the crayons.

is grateful for the hard years we’ve had. Make life right now seem like perfection.

where’s the love?

Hey Shelby, THE amy cima said that I’m her new best friend. What are you going to do about it, huh?

no more moxie.

is now a proud member of the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen. Told you I was big in Canada.

pranking is my prozac. who wants to be next?

Got industrial strength deodorant. Now I can go full months without showering.

Casey isn’t autistic after all- turns out he’s a ninja. You could imagine our surprise.

babysat the leprechaun from hell today.

wishes I still lived in a home small enough to whack anyone from where I sit…behind the computer…

way to keep it classy, Fox News, CL AASSSS EEEEEE

where is that ‘who do you want to punch in the face’ application? I need to update mine.

I feel all warm and fuzzy inside like I swallowed a kitten. Best birthday present ever. Thank you shelby!

just made the city totally rethink garbage amnisty day.

my sister is having her no more cancer check-up today. Pray that there’s still no more cancer. or I’ll hurt you.

Shelby’s fine. Whoooooo. Cancer can stick it.

is the missing link.

may or may not be tying the kids to a pipe in the crawlspace.

was soooo glad to see that Heather’s lobotomy scar is healing well. You can barely see it!

knows more about bears than you do.

so I was thinking a lot about my choices for who I want to punch in the face, and what it really comes down to is that I should probably just make a list of people I don’t want to punch in the face. Much smaller.

is underwhelmed.

my husband hid the reeses from me so I killed him.

worst chosen one ever.

What wouldn’t I do for a Klondike Bar?

loves driving by cops hiding behind their cars with guns drawn. Glad they didn’t shut down the road (or the school not even a block away) for that one.

is a self-deprecating bloated beached whale.

I go by “Boo”

My sweet little neighbor troll brought the hose in and made a pool out of my kitchen. If the hardwood warps I’m going to send that kid back under the bridge from whence he came

got rid of the dish and the DVR today. It’s been 5 hours, the withdrawals are starting to set in.

so my neighbors are really the ‘keeping up with the jones’ ‘ type- not that we are by any stretch of the imagination, the jones’, but I have to wonder how they’d top me buying a llama.

has a happy colon.

where’s bejeweled? I didn’t do my chores and something fun with the kids for nothing…it was my only motivation. crap. No tv no bejeweled makes lexi go something something.

today after I yelled at Casey for coloring the back of the seat in the Sequoia with permanent marker and he comes back with, “Do you kiss daddy with that mouth?”

Took boys to the zoo. They wouldn’t take them.

wishes rollerblading was still cool.

at any given point in my house there is a little boy holding himself.

I just did one of those “which celebrity should play you in a movie about your life” and got Gilbert Godfrey.

did you know that if you melt crayons in the oven then take them out and pour water on them they explode? Neither did I, until now.

all three of my boys are laying on the trampoline talking. Life is good.

Can you pressure wash the inside of your house?

Saturday is a special day

Got Jai Ho and Jihad mixed up and caused some sort of problems in Iran.

I smell like bacon on purpose. Happy Father’s Day, Lance.

HUGE hail storm. I’ve never seen anything like this before. Suweet.

Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident

kids learned that putting pretzles in the fan cuts them to several pieces and shoots them all over the place. always learning they are.

sometimes I “like” things here on facebook just so I can “unlike” them soon after.

has no brain-mouth filter.

I used to care what my house looked like, what my kids looked like, and how I looked (okay that last one is a lie), but something in me died, and I stopped caring so much.

There’s nothing quite as scary as an angry woman on a Jazzy at the mcdonalds.

Casey just called Peyton “turd ferguson” I should probably stop letting him watch Celebrity Jeopardy with me.

I’m expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG

loads of fun information. I think I’m going to go eat myself into a coma now.

my family is going to kill me. but they’ll have to come out to washington to do it. So I guess all is not lost.

There’s a mountain of sugar on my kitchen floor. Unfortunately it’s not me laying in a coma next to it. I should probably get up when the boys do.

What I just pulled out of my now broken vacuum: four sidewalk chalk sticks, a scarf, 12 army men, two bracelets and probably over a pound of sugar. There’s a good chance this “helping mom do chores” thing isn’t as great as I thought.

Peyton has just officially secured his spot as the youngest child…

So apparantly the ‘dudes’ are having a game night at my house tonight. Send your husbands.

Just Kidding, don’t send your dudes over to my house. I am going ot the Rock ‘n Roll Marathon to voulunteer at 4:00 in the freaking morning so my husband was nice enough to cancel for me. Tough break dudes…and girls who hate your husbands.

does having your bowels filled with mercy hurt?

Got up at 3:30 this morning to volunteer at the Rock N’ Roll Marathon, screamed my voice out and got burnt beyond recognition. Totally worth it.

Peyton just turned to me and said, “I’m going to punch your brain out”. He missed me today.

Meddled in the affairs of dragons.

Science shows no mercy. Neither do I

the next person to send me anything that has packaging peanuts in it is going to be tortured.

is desperately trying to figure out how to get my sins on my mother’s head. Heard something about that the other day. mildly comforting.

the arsonist has oddly shaped feet.

dance, monkeys, dance!

WOOOHOOO! We are a diaper free house! After SIX and a half years- most of which I had two (or more) in diapers. Suweet. Peyton lives. For now.

Is done.

magnusson house has officially been upgraded to dojo.

there’s no such thing as kharma. So last week I backed into someone’s parked car and did the right thing- I went up to the door and blah blah blah. So anyways, we come out from the park and there’s a HUGE dent in the back of the Sequoia. People are jerks

dojo mojo

There’s that old quote, “Some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue” JUST ONCE I’d like to be a freaking pigeon

tried putting makeup on over my burned scaley flakey face. I look like Andy Rooney in drag.

needs to find a way to come up with a couple grand to pay for my car’s tax title and licensing. Today. But everything I’ve thought of would call for a LOT of repenting…

I give up. TWO hungry work outty months and I’m still only down 3 pounds. I’m so hateful right now.

a little swimmers itch never hurt anyone.

did you guys hear that Michael Jackson died?

bigot and bigomy are two VERY different things

Most things in my life can be cleared up with mr. clean erasers or massive amounts of repentance.

Hey Mr. Donut Man, who’s trying to kill ya? I don’t know but they better not.

got mad at bejeweled. lit fire?

gave in to it. i’ve been resisting all week. i’m getting my michael jackson on.

sold out.

My love child tracked me down. I was scared, shocked, angry. Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle.

Hey, nerds! Who’s got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn’t cried once today? This moi.

Everyone has something to hide. For instance, I’m wearing a child’s Halloween costume under this.

is an aggressive house spider.

AHAHAHAAAAAA we get off the phone and here we are. Awesome. Heather is now my most favorite person. Above my husband and kids. Anyone who OFFERS to take my kids deserves some sort of tiarra or crown. SOmething sparkly

I’m WAY more productive when my husband is gone. Why is that? Because I’m LAZY when he’s here. Because I can.

right now my husband is off the coast of hawaii snorkeling. BUT my arms did peel today, so that was awesome.

Is the proud owner of a really sweet steam cleaner. It’s a long story. But worrrrthhhh itttt. Any mom of three boys needs a steam cleaner. I know this.

would sell my soul for a nap.

I’m cheating of facebook with hulu.

don’t you wish your girlfriend was as frumpy as me?

BBQ at my house at 6. All are welcome. For more information inquire within.

I’ve never looked better!

heather was here.

no one left their desserts. It’s 1:30 and I’ve got nothing. You’re all jerks.

should not be held responsible for things said in social situations. That includes social networking sites.

if you drop a kitten off at my house it will be well loved.

I wonder how many times a day lance thinks, “I’ll believe that when I see it”

virtual strangle.

is for the mocking of the stupid status updates.

look at my muscles.

if the gov’t could read my mind they’d know I’m thinking of you…

If you’re not going to say anything nice, update your status on Facebook.

My husband can’t stop talking about the A Team.

How bout this?

Do warthogs sweat a lot? If so, I’m sweating like a warthog.

Do you remember Brak?

sewiously strongbad.

my house has become a cage match. who will win?

crampin’ my style.

when are we going to get some real food?!

Just now Peyton did something to anger Casey and Casey turns to Peyton and says, “know this, I can kill you.” Awesome.

Another day another trip to urgent care. Carter broke his arm. Toughest kid ever.

If I were a flower I’d be the frumpodil.

if you arrange the lettters in my first and last name (alexis magnusson) it comes up with “A Sensual Song Mix”. Sweet. (It also comes up with “sumos nix lasagne”)

just found casey riding naked on the neighbors Power Wheeles.

happiness is a husband who buys me slurpees instead of flowers.

Hey Sinclair View- Cheryl had her baby this morning! He’s BEAUTIFUL. Her husband still isn’t home…

is grateful for neighbors who use discretion in their cps calls.

Dear Bejeweled, I hate you. Don’t you know I have stuff to do today? Stop bugging me.

is for the punishing and enslaving.

it tastes like burning.

was tragically killed by a lethal combination of Mexican food and laughter.

I want to punch someone in the face. But the reason for my anger is my own fault. Punch myself? Long of the short. No fair this weekend for me.

needs someone to donate the “Cherish” font for stuff she’s donating. Anyone?

Cheryl Wellman is my hero.

I’m glad there’s a Puyallup fair because if there wasn’t I would have never learned how to pronounce the name of that city.

I ❤ narcissists.

I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’

was thinking about how much ‘bejeweled’ is like life. decided to stop playing so much bejeweled.

We’re back to having 2.5 bathrooms again! wooo. My husband can do anything.

My kids can spike a fever at will on Sundays. At least Peyton waited until after sacrament was over.

actually posted current picture of self. I look weird, but this was the cutest one of Casey.

I think Heather’s been teaching Casey stuff. Today when Lance asked him why he did something, Casey says, “Why you judge me?”

Turns out, they don’t have a dose strong enough for my form of crazy.

how many times have you been punched in the face by a five year old today?

Saaaaallllllsssssssaaaaaaaaa which reminds me, I need to call my brother…


ha ha I ‘hid’ you.

It’s going to be 106 DEGREES here today. 60% humidity. Average for right now here is 75. If I wanted to die in the heat I would have moved to Arizona a long time ago.

We’re going to Ocean Shores. The Holiday Inn still has a few rooms if anyone wants to joing us…

turns out, after you figure them out, the way the fold maps is quite ingenious.

So I’ve lost my phone. If you need to get a hold of me call my husband’s phone– same first three digits and 5142.

lance’ll be home in a little while, I should probably make it look like I tried today…but can’t decide whether he’d be more impressed that I showered or cleaned. I think I’ll play bejeweled until I choose.


The PERSON OF THE WEEK IS (she just barely snuck this in to win it!) is Emily Price: With this happy comment “…You’re a slut, too Lexi. Or maybe a selfish whore. Your mom likes saying the second one the most.” Keep on entertaining me folks.

Casey LOVES the Blue Angels…as long as he can watch the DVD at home… in real life…not so much. But the show was SO cool.

I think Casey is a vampire.

has a love/hate relationship with the stomach flu.

I’m just sick enough to not have to clean my house, but not too sick to play bejeweled- and of course, it’s down. I’m have feelings of hate.

Was walking up the stairs behind Casey so I pinched his bottom- he turns around and looks at me and says, “yes…can I help you?”

just found the end of my wits.

So it turns out that this stomach flu that’s going around is from the lakes here- I just saw it on the news. They don’t know what’s causing it- but lots of people are getting sick.

see dees apples? how do you like dem?

Can’t get my phone to turn on. Is there a point after non-charging that that you can’t bring your phone back to life? If you need to get a hold of me, well, sorry. Or send me a message here. I guess.

a couple more hours until I determine the person of the day…F might win it…anyone?

thinks her toenails have stopped growing.

AND THE PERSON OF THE WEEK GOES TO: F. Because he said nice things about me and I know how hard it is for him. Even if he had to make crap up. Keep on entertaining folks. It’s not just about who sucks up.

Got a hot date today.

I can be your gyro baby.

Ah! A talking sausage!

School doesn’t start here until SEPTEMBER 9th! The school is going to have to figure out something to do with my kids. I’m starting them tomorrow.

has an angry uterus.

Just took my kids on a hike through stinging metal (is that what it’s called or is that just what my brother told me it was to make himself feel smart?). I rock. They

will no longer share my political views on social media.

is glad I’m not some frumpy fat chick.

two words: Carb Bender.

Get the funny in…person of the week day. I also really enjoy when people aren’t afraid to call me on my crap. So there you go.

Person of the Week goes tooooooooo: Bonnie Harris, when I said that my uterus was angry because it was an angry time, she came back with, “That’s called Tuesday at my house”

I’m thinking about taking up being cruel to animals. But just as a hobby.

needs a job to pay dental bills. If Phoenix weren’t hell, it’d be heaven.

wow, I can’t even believe I’m going to say this…but you really can have too many raisins in your raisin bran.

my muscles have first amendment rights- I let them do the talking…

unfunking myself is not easily done.

whoever brings Casey his crack, you might as well come to the front door- we’re on to you.

PROVERBIAL: a word I use a lot but I don’t think I know what it means.

let the chasing of the casey down the road commence.

See that kid running down the street with nothing on from the waist down? He’s FAST, huh?

Some days it’s not even worth chewing through the restraints.

my hell would be endless rounds of volleyball with toothless six year olds.

it’s 2:30 in the morning, lance ate all of the cookies and I can’t figure out where that smell is coming from.

I am the mother that doesn’t do anything. I just stay at home and lie around. And if you ask me to do anything, I’ll only tell you “I don’t do anything”

Person of the Week goes to DEDRA with a last minute entry. I asked Heather to domesticate my children, she comes back with “you can’t domesticate feril children, lexi” Keep ’em coming.

Still wants a kitten.

Peyton is happiness to me.

I’m a renegade of funk.

Hey Bremerton Stake chickees (and metromen, I guess) we’re going to do a craftgroup monthly at the Hoover Building. I’m thinking on a Wednesday so as to not get in the way of basketball (sorry yoga). Interested? Any thing you’d like to learn how to make? Anything you’d like to teach? Septembers is going to be GIRLY. Little girl tutus (you can choose to hand tie or bring your sewing machine), headbands and bracelets.

Pat Sajak has given up on life. You can tell it because he’s dead behind the eyes. He’s also going to murder Vanna. I don’t blame him. Don’t blame him at all.

He liked it, so he put a ring on it- eight years ago today.

thinks migraine medicine made migraine angry.

Just now Peyton asked me for some cheetos, I told him he could have some after lunch and he says, “So that’s how it’s going to be, huh?” and walked off.

Everyone comment below.

doctor gave me some steroids. Apparently they’re all the rage. Or I am. Either way.

taking the boys to the fair because I’m part masochist.

Taking an autistic child to the county fair was a perrrrrfect idea. I don’t purposely try to torture the child. I just forget sometimes how much he hates noises and people. I forget sometimes how much I hate noises and people. Mostly just you though.

I’ll stir fry you in my wok.

Lance and I got SPOILED last night by Bishop Carter. Flowers (lance really loves flowers), Underground Tour, an ice cream cone the size of my head and PF Changs. Even better, several hours to catch up with one of my most favorite people ever. Thank you Bishop!

I don’t beat my kids. Remember that when you see Peyton.

I am I am I am superman.

Catching Fire (the sequel to Hunger Games) comes out TODAY! I’m on my way to go get it. Sorry kids, you’re going to have to fend for yourselves for a couple of days…

it’s 1:20. Why am I up? Because our FANTASTIC new neighbors like to tinker with their extremely loud bullet bikes at all hours of the night- and then sit out and hawk loogers so freaking loud that it the bikes didn’t wake you up- the loogers will. Grrrrrr.

along came a spider and jumped out at my face. I’m never sleeping again.

shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. You give love a bandaid.


You put the ‘rad’ in radical right wing extremist.

Hey Sidney Glenn Parents- what do you think of mrs. Corbett?

Peyton says, “look, I’m stronger than the fridgerator. I just broke it”

Bulletbike and hacking neighbors, everytime you keep me up at night I plot against you.

Fine. I get it. You hate our president. You should have done more to get your guy elected. But what I don’t get is what good it does to pull your children out of school because the President of the United States is going to give a speech about EDUCATION. All this other crap about it being so he can tell everyone how wonderful socialism is is just that. Crap. Fox news is WAY more dangerous than our President.

needs a massage. Badly. Any suggestions?

I chew my corn thoroughly.

last night Lance made blackberry pie from scratch (thanks for the recipe andria- it’s amazing!) then this morning made pancakes AND syrup from scratch. I think I’m going to have to get a job. He’s a way better mom than I am.

I’m getting the stuff for the tutu’s this evening- if you want me to get yours you’ve got to let me know what color, whether or not you’re sewing it and if you want to do a headband.

feels like my arm is being ripped out through my shoulder. Why? well the urgent care doc who spent thirty seconds with me said I injured it without injuring it. Then he prescribed me a muscle relaxer I already had. Thanks, doc.

Carter taught Casey how to play the Xbox. Best day ever.

would rather be dead than bred.

Casey just came in and handed me a candle and says, “here’s a candle, can we makes some fires?”

is a firemonster.

anyone else finished catching fire yet? wanna chat? hmmm? New Dan Brown book comes out next weeeeeeeeek. Best month ever.

my kids are running a muck in the neighborhood but I lack the will to chase.

Needs a new pediatrician- do you like yours?

hooray. football. woot. etc.

needs to put a gps on Casey

Come see me at the Farmer’s Market in Port Orchard tomorrow, jerks.

tylenol PM you have met your match. I win.

is SO overrated.

I don’t end my sentences with prepositions, I clean out the dryer vent EVERY time and have never eaten veil. My husband still won’t buy me a cat.

Almost convinced lance about the cat thing- by coming up with the best cat name EVER. Jihad.

Four years ago Casey was diagnosed with autism. The doctors weren’t sure if he’d ever talk. He starts Kindergarten tomorrow in a regular class (with a fantastic aid). Hooray for miracles.

is grateful.

shawn haught is one bad mother…

dead puppies aren’t much fun.

Anyone want to do a chub club? Don’t reply below. Send me a secret message. Don’t call me fat. You don’t have to even live near me.

Just set the money I could be saving with geico on fire.

Craft group tomorrow at the church at 10. Even if you aren’t doing the craft- come bring your kids to play!

wishes my husband would understand my deep need to be appreciated and laughed at.

sweats like a freaking dude.

laughs at you.

Dear friends from Snow College- I just found a crapload of incriminating photos of you… what will you give me to NOT post them on here?

the incredible hulk has nothing on me.

Peyton’s status in this household has been downgraded from minion to henchman. Though evil and highly suggestible, the kid can’t keep a secret for crap.

Okay- so I can fit THREE sets of countdown blocks in one USPS Flat Rate box. It’ll be $10 to ship. To have them made for you, it’s $20. For the kit it’s $8 if you don’t want me to send along the paint, which you can get at Walmart, or $9 if you want the paint. If you are coming to the craft day, it’s still $8 because we share the paint. Does that make any sense at all?

Misty Kim is dead to me if she doesn’t update her status soon.

become famous now, avenge later.

Sooo…there’s a chance that my little brother will be moving out here- he needs a full time job- anyone know of any in the Puget Sound area?

was face to face with a Sumatran tiger today. best day ever.

pasta salad, yummy yummy.

so many projects, so little mind.

My Mother In Law, bless her heart, sends forwards out like she just discovered the internet.

Just passed a non-binding resolution in the Senate to formerly condemn Peyton for peeing on the floor.

Seriously just changed out of my sweats to a ‘less restricting’ pair of different sweats. I’ve reached a whole new level of frumpy.

SIX friends have posted THIS WEEK that they are expecting. Six.

Did you ever see Little Shop Of Horrors? It’s like that here.

I have a fair this weekend and need some help- what kind of dumb little decals would you buy for your car if you saw them at a fair?

Angry Mob. Ahahahhahahaaaa

I see a red door and I want to get a massage.

is a bitter ball of hate.

Person of the Week goes to: Mike Anderson. My status was “lexi is a bitter ball of hate” his response: “I think that was more of a “status quo” than a “status update.”” ahahahahaaaaa

There are some things you should know about the census people who will be coming around, they travel in groups, called murders (like crows) and they are verbally abusive. OR they set up a booth at the fair and talk to no one. I like my version better.

LOVES it when Itunes goes from my recently downloaded pearl jam album to the title song of The A-Team. Dear Lance, you’re not allowed to download anything ever again.

Is already excited for the All-Star weekend…

Hey Sinclair View- keep the Fager family in your prayers.

The dentist thinks that Peyton is going to grow extra rows of teeth like a shark.

Should have stayed in bed.

Does anyone else giggle when the see Ron Paul, or is it just me?

I don’t know how Skinny Cow makes such a delicious treat with so few calories, but it makes me proud to be an American.

Garrison Keillor is my father.

my kingdom for a pair of sharp needle point tweezers.

Anyone see Alex Trebek flash gansta signs on Jeopardy the other night?

Has spent a hundred dollars on Figgy Pudding paper this week. Why not sale time when I need it?

I hope someone some day will think of me as their arch enemy- not just the regular kind.

forty sets of countdown blocks later- I’m taking a nap. Just kidding. Casey’s going to be home (with a friend!) in twenty minutes.

Is only clever when I’m enraged.

blah blah blah friday blah blah blay nobel peace prize blah blah blah I shot the moon!

why do I think I can run? why?

my hands smell of feta cheese, my house of spoiled chili.

Is filling out yet another autism ‘scale’ for Casey. I’m reading the questions outloud to lance who says, “these sound like questions they ask serial killers” How does he know that?

is itching a hole through my skull.

hates it when amy evans bests me.

What do you get if you’re running for city office and come to our door for a vote? A loooooong looooong chat with a big dude in a shirt with Trogdor (the burninator) on it.

Did I ever tell you about the time i was clucking like a chicken at the grocery store (with all three kids back when they were all under 4) and didn’t realize it? That’s ONE story I didn’t make up.

Has bronchitus. Sounds like a dinosaur. But it’s not.

got ten new forwards from mother in law. Could only imagine the status update joy that will come when she finds facebook.

So while I was in bed today lance comes in and peaks out the window at our boys playing in our culdesac- he says, “there’s going to be crying” -there was- it was Peyton, then lance says “Peyton’s chasing casey with a stick” and I freak, “You’ve got to stop him!” and Lance just laughs “Lets see how this plays out” ahhh parenting.

ALWAYS knows what the weather is like in Utah. Thanks guys.

Got into the Kitsap Holiday Gift and Food Fair. WOOOOOO!

Melanie won’t get on facebook because I’m not funny.

Okay- so if there are any of you who were going to come to the craft day for the countdown blocks and still want a kit- will you let me know? Don’t worry if you want to back out- people bought all of the rest that day, but I have the stuff to make more- I just have to get these out before I get to work on the fair stuff.

hate diego hate.

Lance stole my funny. He’s going to use it for evil.


If I was in the mafia I’d still be feared and respected even though I only wear matchy matchy sweats.

Heather James is the best person ever. EVER EVER EVER.

Good week. Lance is gone in Hawaii and I have not made a single dinner that didn’t come frozen or from a box, haven’t cleaned, have had mcdonalds for breakfast EVERY day and forced my babysitters to pick up the slack. The kids had chocolate chips for dinner.

has X’s over her eyes.

I’m sure being in possession of my soul would change many of my life decisions.

I’m OUT!

is so so moody right now and has no one to take it out on. Good thing lance will be back in a couple of hours…

does anyone have a jigsaw that I can borrow?

no self respecting ninja would wear wooden platform shoes.

Got a request on etsy to make some chick anti-twilight stickers- my husband comes up with “If vampires really sparkled, I’d hunt one down and skin it” PERFECTION.

is getting geared up to scare the crap out of the trick or treaters. Best day ever.

I’d like to personally thank the good folks at The Ridge who made it possible for us to only have to give away 5 bags of candy and NOT get a single trick or treater after 8:30. suckers.

Swine Flu-d! Sucks to be Carter, and I’m sure..the rest here soon…

day two in lexi’s house of horrors.

Person of the Week goes to Farrell James for not taking a golden opportunity to make hideous amounts of fun of me. Mom of the year however, goes to me.

you should hear my amazing vocal talents. Cats run in the opposite direction to tell their friends. Kids cover their ears because it’s just too beautiful.

oh babysitter, where art thou?

is pregnant.

was thinking about making a delightful dinner but then I realized it would send a bad message to my husband about me cooking and whatnot.

Happy Birthday to my crackhead little Peyton. I love that boy.

the guy at safeway with the friendly mustache was not kind tonight.

Casey slept in until SEVEN today. He watched a movie from 3-5am, but didn’t wake anyone else up. So delightful.

needs to find the quickest way to grow a spine.

who has two thumbs and is bitter and hateful? This jerk.


Peyton told me I look like a zombie.

So my mother finally figured out how to get on here. I’m now overwhelmed with emotion- the first of all is “Mom! Look at me! Look at me! Mom! You’re not watching! MOM!” the second is a great need to swear because secretly she likes it when I swear.

I asked Lance if he’d still love me if I were an albatross and he said he would, if I were HIS albatross.

Is grateful for Kylie Fager. I am going out of my mind and she came and got Peyton and acted like I was doing HER a favor. She is the good.

So Weber High Class of 2000, anyone else going to have FIVE kids by our reunion? Do I win? Is there a prize? There better be a freaking prize.

“Whoever said “words can never hurt” was never crushed under a ton of her own worthless, inaccurate, propaganda drivel at a Costco book signing.” Favorite quote of the day.

Come bring me a smoothie at the Kitsap Holiday Gift and Food Fair today. It goes from 10 am to 6pm- but smoothies are good anytime. I’m up on the second floor.

had lunch at said fair today. not good. I’ve been crazy sick since- so probably no movie for me…I’d call…but I also broke the cord to my phone. awesome.

Haeden Carter just spent ten minutes scrubbing my stove. Now he’s walking around and randomly wiping down my house. Says a lot about the current state of my house when a two year old thinks I need to up my game.

Heidi Justice is wins person of the week. Who cleans someone elses house when they get bored? Huh? Heidi.

has never seen a two year old in a pageant that didn’t freak me out. Like to the core.

before I had bangs no one told me to cover up my gigantic forehead. I have no true friends.

I took one of those ‘intelligender’ tests today. It says with about 78% accuracy whether you’re having a boy or a girl. In the case of twins, if it says ‘girl’ they’re both girls. If it says ‘boy’ at least one is a boy. If it turns to ‘boy’ within the first five minutes, it’s likely that they’re both boys. It turned to ‘boy’ in the first thirty seconds. Boys. ahahahahaaaa.

Thanksgiving is for dudes. Seriously. Eat all day. Football. More eating. It’s like their makeup for valentines. Wait. Valentines is for dudes too.

Im sure there’s people out there i could like. If they brought me smoothies and didn’t talk.

anyone going to walmart or target early early that wants to pick me up a $50ish portable dvd player? I’ll make it worth your while…

didn’t get up early for black friday shopping like I do every year- but still got everything on my list at Walmart. Wore my halter top that accentuates my back rolls.

is a remarkable cow.

Is planning on losing a pound tomorrow. Of hair. And not just from shaving my legs. I’m cutting all of my hair off. wooooot.

asked the chick who cut my hair to dye it the same color as my roots. I think she heard, “make me emo”

BYU / UTE related status update.

Allright folks. I’ll be in Utah after the 20th of December, if you’d like to order something to have brought out- get your orders in before the 11th of December. They can be picked up at my mom’s house in Pleasant View or at the Magnusson’s in Heber City . If you locals have an order- same date to get them in by.

Happy Birthday to my awesome much sister Melanie. She’s a laugh riot. HA HA!

shares a bed with darth vader.

My little brother Jamey just got accepted into medical school at Ohio State! Woooot!

arkansas sucks.

On Tues, Dec. 8 and Wed., Dec. 9, Kitsap, Pierce and King Co. Papa John’s will donate 100% of their profits to the families of the four slain Lakewood police officers. Please help get the word out and help support these families.

Carter just fell down the stairs- it wasn’t bad- so I laughed. So Peyton runs up the stairs and says, “I want a turn” and threw himself down.

Carter is seven. He wanted me to tell you all that. Several times.

I like to whisper in kids ears, “who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” and when they answer correctly, I silently judge their parents.

It’s funny because the squirrel gets dead.

If Lance didn’t insist on changing his clothes everyday I wouldn’t have so much dang laundry to do. Also, anyone know of a laundromat that I won’t get killed in in town? My washer died today.

First doctors appointment today. The jerk moved my due date back a week and a half. So if you ask me how far along I am, I’m going to lie. Two very strong heartbeats though.

just ate my bodyweight in pasta salad.

Casey is pulling Peyton around in a duffle bag. I guess it’s good practice…

Dear Kids, If you’re going to be evil, at least clean up after yourselves.

Janna is going to love me the most. Take that Hoskins!

My sinuses just exploded. Okay that’s a lie. I just wish they would explode.

We’re probably finding out out what the babies are on January 7th! WOOOOOT!

has no pots for which to stir.

has a migraine named peyton.

Bob Barker is HOT for a cyborg.

is leaving for two action packed weeks in Utah. Just kidding. Per our agreement, there will be no action at all.

did you have a dream last night that bob barker took you on a date and then randomly head butted a baby? me niether.

9 thoughts on “This is not for you, unless, you know, you like it.

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