I’m sorry this isn’t one of my more upbeat posts, but in order to be true to myself and my life, I want to include these as well. I don’t believe that ‘really living’ means living only the good life. It doesn’t mean just being happy. I believe that really living is a combination of all of life’s very highs and very lows. Really living is feeling the true range of emotions. There’s elation. and there’s so many opposite ends of the spectrum. A sadness you feel in your bones. The wondering why the hell the world keeps turning even when it seems yours has stopped. Pain. That’s really living. This probably doesn’t make any sense. I’m just trying to say that I feel like I’ve really lived so far. I’ve felt the very range of joy and sadness. I’ve known fear and anger. I’ve been rebellious at times. I am spiritual. I think all of these are life’s lessons, given to us by our Heavenly Father- to know what real joy is because we have felt real sorrow. To know how wonderful it is to be able to run and play and jump and dance without pain because I’ve had so much in the past. To go back to being in pain and knowing that there is still something more to be learned.
Sometimes I go back and read Shelby’s blog of when she was going through the chemo. It gives me perspective. On days like today, where I’m in so much pain that I think any diagnosis would be better than none- I think about all that shelby went through, and I am humbled. Shelby lived through a whole lot more in the months while she was fighting cancer than I have in the last two years with this dumb pain. She is a superhero. Always will be.
Things had been going really well. I had some confidence that I was on the winning end of this whole dumb chronic pain thing. So I went off one medication completely and lowered my dose by 1/3 of the other. Dumb. I can barely move. I’m only sitting here because I can’t lay down- I’ve developed some sucky heartburn because of the medication, and can’t lay down after i eat- which is always.
So today is not good. Doesn’t mean it will be that way tomorrow. I’m pretty sure Heavenly Father could be as frustrated with my own progress as I am with the progress that has been made to find out what is wrong with me. I have a lot to learn.